excerpts from stories i will never write

i remember  this day, last year. december 31. i look back at my screenshots even though i've come to expect  the memories to bring gentle tears. "ngl, i wish you were here." you were sad. and now, a year later, you're sad again. i have a nagging feeling i'm the cause. your deep places seem to have come so much more often since july. i never want to cause you any pain. the next year holds so much possibility-- for growth, for pain, for laughter. i don't know what it'll hold for us, for you. but i hope  it will bring you  joy and peace and comfort and happiness. so,  here's to the new year. --12.31.17

Christmas is past. do wishes still count? everyone knows the song: "all i want for Christmas is you." as i reflect on the past year and remember the memories i've made i realize the only thing i want is each of you. the beautiful one, the one i miss the most. my heart hurts when i think of you. the fierce one, the one i would run away with. i wish i could make you smile. the strong one, the one who laughs at danger. someday we're going to go on adventures. your love is so much more important to me  than anything money could buy. --12.29.17

it's been a year, today. i guess. i don't feel like you can call it an anniversary, because technically we've never dated. whatever. i think i miss the late night talks the most. the deep ones. i miss the conversations we never had. i miss the feeling of knowing i was--am--loved. i guess. this was supposed to be a really encouraging post and then i made it depressing. i do that a lot. you've stayed with me for a year through my highs and my lows.  thank you. thank you for loving me when i was beginning to believe i was unlovable. --12.28.17

and then in that moment, that split second, all the questions i've saved up will flee my mind. they won't matter any more. my heart will swell, fully, truly, because then i will be whole after never realizing i was missing something. i can't wait. --12.17.17

i want to be  more  open hands, palms up, letting go; and less fighting, clenching fists, gritting teeth . i want to surrender. i want to release. i want to be swept into a Greater Plan, something so much better than anything  i could ever imagine. i want to forego myself. i want to come undone so i can be made again. pry my white knuckles from  my way  and guide me to Yours. --12.10.17

do you remember summer? sweating and  laughing and  running. i want to wear shorts again. now this cursed  cold keeps me layered up, even inside. i want to throw water balloons and spray everyone with the hose. i want  tanktops and shorts and  flip flops. i want to go to the beach. i want the waves, the sun, the sand. i want days where i can  breathe. i want to walk around downtown exploring and  looking at things i'll never buy. i want sunglasses and sunscreen to be an essential part of my outfit again. i want summer. --12.6.17

"narcissistic."  "selfish." "you're only thinking about you." oh, i'm sorry. can you not hear the lack of emotion in my voice? i've come to terms with how i look and  the fact that it's not going to change. i'm going about this rationally, logically. and you have the nerve to say i'm being narcissistic? look at my face. do i look like i'm having a bad day? do i look like i'm having a pity party? no.  because these are facts. and i have accepted them. i thought that by doing that, it would help me. and it has, mostly. but apparently it's not enough for you. "keep your options open." "you're limiting yourself." "why do you have your sights set already? you have so much time before you choose." "look around at all of them. shouldn't you zoom out a little?" you seem to think that  all the boys should be tripping on their shoela...

i watched you today. i saw a little girl tug on your coat. i watched as you turned around and smiled. i heard your voice change to something so full of fun and happiness that i smiled just listening to it. i heard you engage her, intrigue her, make her laugh. i heard you laugh. i saw your smile—oh, what a beautiful smile!—and the way it lights up a room in ways you don’t even know.  every day i look and you and just wonder: how did i become best friends with such a beautiful person? you hide yourself behind bitterness, but i know you. you’re beautiful in every way. i love the adventure you mask behind hard eyes. i love the ways you hide, and i love the ways you let your sunshine peek through. you're incredible. --12.3.17

imperfections. lightning marks, like tattoos  work their way across  my skin. i never asked for the red and purple and blue and silver, but i love them all anyway. little scars  freckle my legs from past trials and insecurities. i don't like those. but they're part of me, now. they make me me. --12.3.17

i was always more at home in the water  than i ever was on land. something about it has always  intrigued me. maybe it's the way it feels. i always prefer  to be alone in the water, because  it just feels right.  the water surrounds me, comforts me like-- like something bigger than me. something there. something muffling the squeals of  life. something magical, unreal. in the water is where i belong. isolation doesn't matter, because i am not alone. i am immersed in a powerful, calming force, and i don't mind being by myself because i can be myself. --11.27.17

like a child asking a parent, "how much longer?" you ask me, "when will this be over?" and like a parent answering a child, "just five more minutes," i answer you: "hold on just a little while longer." because, as we all know, the journey is not five minutes more. but even the child knows that the journey has an end, no matter how long it takes to get there. --11.23.17

that physical feeling of missing you is here again. kind of like  the way your stomach feels before a drop on a rollercoaster. a lump in my throat and nausea on my tongue. so far, you were the only good thing about today. --11.17.17

and so we go to a world that is far away, anywhere but here.  we run away  from our problems and  our  responsibilities,  because we need an escape. the wanderlust grabs a hold of us, and we follow its urges; the  longing to go and be and adventure seizing us as we  seize the days and nights. we gaze at the stars  on clear nights, and we cozy up with blankets on cloudy nights. we travel, see things we've never seen, do things we've never done, dream things we'd never dream of dreaming if we were not  caught up in the moment. caught in the moment,  lost in the moment. we let it carry us along, like a leaf  on a  current-- gently waving, not fighting wherever it takes us. when it rains, we walk, watching the droplets from the drizzle  catch on our eyelashes. warm rains are calming, and in them we  relax and let go. when the sun sets slowly behind the mountains, we  climb sma...

i beat myself over the head for even daring to feel emotion. i wish i didn't do that. i wish-- i wish. i'm always so cold, so very cold… --11.10.17

my old fears return. old fears, old battles. i'm still fighting. --11.5.17

it's been a year. so much has happened. here i have poured out my heart, and here i have hidden my thoughts, tucked away in a small corner. mystery was never my thing anyway. remember--? there's so much i remember, but i always remember more than most, and i'm afraid to recount the tiny details that make things so special to me. all these small things. these ups and downs. how all of us got from there to here. they're part of life, downswings in the economy of our heads. we thrive and then we dive. highs and lows. as i read, i remember. remember. --11.2.17

we're so alike, and  so different-- you and i. still silly inside. we can relate to each other so well. you're beautiful, but it's like you don't even notice. i love you. you're hilarious, gorgeous, amazing, loving. i'm so glad i met you so long ago, and i'm so glad i know you. --10.26.17

i wish  i could show you all. tell you. how beautiful you are. you don’t have to paint your face  till it’s unrecognizable. you don’t have to put on so much makeup that you look photoshopped even though you’re standing right in front of me. you don’t have to be flawless. you don’t have to do any of that. because you are beautiful. you, with your acne scars. you, with your imperfections. you, with the freckles you hate. you, with the light eyebrows. you, with all the little dips in your cheeks. all of you you. you are beautiful. --10.21.17

i remember the cold nights the smiles the memories wrapped up, so cold.   i can see my breath. is that rain?   breezes feel good in the spring. i shake my head in wonder.        a little different, hmm?    falling slowly in winter, and harder in spring. strange. i remember each little detail, each feeling. i wouldn't trade it for the world. --10.23.17

my heart aches for so many. i wish i could give of myself to heal them. i would give everything i have, i would give my own strength, my health, everything, to see them healed. oh, how my heart hurts for the hurting. --10.22.17

“I don’t understand!” I scream.  Silence.  No—just short answers.  “You don’t have to.” Retort: “But I want to!” “But I’m bigger.” “But what if I don’t want you to be bigger? I want to be in control!” “I’m in control.” “Why won’t you just be quiet sometimes?” “You know what would happen if I were quiet.” Silence.  “I want you to be here. Physically. I want to know you, feel you. I don’t want a disembodied voice in my head, I want you. I want a friend who can be truly close to me. Physically. I’ve lacked that my whole life. Please. I need you. Come quickly.” I feel like your heart ached. Maybe you were crying like me, because it wasn’t time yet but you wanted to come down just for a 16 year old outcast who needed a friend.  Maybe.  --10.16.17

a july 1st dream fulfilled. --10.13.17

warm. comfort. breathe deep; rise and fall. close. home. --10.13.17

i still don't get it. will i ever get it? you said you were nervous around me, and i read over the things i've saved and i just marvel because i can't comprehend it. one word running through my head: how. how? and then you texted me. you're still psychic. i wish i could fill in these empty spaces between my scatterbrained thoughts. someday i will. --10.8.17

i never want to let go. --10.6.17

still feeling worthless. still feeling guilty. still feeling all those things i wish i'd leave behind. why is this so hard for me? a part of me still thinks i've made all this up. that i've made him up. what better way to dream? invent someone who truly loves me. what a crazy concept. i'm terrified that he's pretending just because he feels bad for me. i'm terrified that all my friends only pretend they like me. it's become so difficult for me to grasp the idea that anyone even likes me any more. after all, why would anyone want to be friends with me when there are so many better people to be friends with? i pick out my flaws so often that they're all i see when i look inward or outward. am i even worth anything? i know i am, but believing it is another matter. --10.6.17

She almost turned around. She almost ran back up those stairs. She almost said the words that had been banned; the words that had been on her heart, aching to be released. Oh, darling, she was so close. Almost. --10.5.17

stupid emotions. taking me over when i don't expect them. there's such a physical feeling of longing in my stomach. longing. --10.3.17

i wish you knew how much i miss you. --10.3.17

brown eyes. funny how i still want to be wanted by him. i want to be wanted, and yet i'm bitter. so bitter. --10.1.17

constantly fluctuating. i hate me. i love me. how do i find the balance? just another selfish kid. just another self conscious girl. so many of us all around, hiding. sometimes i'm so normal it makes me sick. this is going to plague me for the rest of my life. i know it will. --9.29.17

one hand propped on the window     one hand on the wheel         singing along with the songs i love            breeze ruffling my curls yeah, those emotions are still there,      but for now i've tucked them away.         i'll take them out when i'm alone, but at this moment              i might be okay. --9.29.17

what if, what if, what if. so many what ifs. the future frightens me. i'm scared. what if i choose wrong? what will the consequences be? t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. --9.28.17

fingers flying over the keys, i type my prayers as fast as my hands will let me. so many things to say, and  i can't seem to find the words to say them. --9.27.16

i keep thinking that soon, i'll get out of this rut.  it'll be over.  i'll stop being so needy, so emotional, so weak.  crying won't be a daily activity.  things won't upset me as much.  i'll be okay. i tell myself it's just been a hard few days, but when i look back, i can't find where they began. i wish these stupid emotions didn't get a hold of me so easily. --9.26.17

i wish you could become the versions of yourselves that exist only in my head. she listens and understands, like a friend. he loves me and makes it clear and obvious. i wish. --9.20.17

It's a perfect notebook.  Beautiful.  Spotless.  Literally perfect; there can be no flaws with this book.  It's simply against its nature. Inside: neat lines of simple writing.  Every person who's ever lived is logged in that book.  Their name is underlined and bullet points cover every page after it--yet somehow the book holds everyone and their bullet points without ever filling up.   The bullet points record their wrongs.  Everything they've ever done.  Every wrong thing done in secret, in public, and in their minds.  Everything.  Nothing escapes His notice. But every once and a while, He jumps up from His seat, smiling widely.  He can hardly contain His joy as He calls for ink.  It's brought, and He positively grins as He flips to someone's page.  He gleefully spills the ink everywhere, over all their pages.  "Yes!" He exclaims, turning another page only to spill ink over it all.  The words ...

and i know most of it isn't true but i believe it anyway. and a voice somewhere inside reminds me that all this is based on facts-- and i can't deny facts. --9.10.17

i smiled at the memories but then they came back to hurt me --9.3.17

and when i run away--no matter how far i run away--You're always right behind me, pursuing me, loving me, ready to welcome me back with open arms. grace is something i'll never be able to comprehend. --9.3.17

everything i say and do  is monitored. i cannot say what i want, what i need, and it hurts. --9.2.17

i'm sorry everything is confusing. i'm sorry about all of this. i'm sorry i'm needy. i'm sorry i can't make up my mind. i'm sorry i have so many emotions. i'm sorry i'm such a girl. i'm sorry i cry so much. i'm sorry life hurts. i'm sorry i can't fix this. i'm so sorry. --8.31.17

"The good part about these types of things," she said solemnly, "is that you don't have to ever be okay.  All you have to do is be.  Because by just being, you can be treasured.  Even if you're not okay."  She shrugged.  "And after all, who even is okay?  I've never met a person who was okay.  I'm most certainly not okay.  You're not okay.  Neither of us will ever be okay.  That's the beauty of it--no one is required to be okay." --8.30.17

torn between obligation and love. i should not feel guilty for my feelings. that is simply not right. it just isn't right. --8.29.17

drown out my thoughts. consume my mind. give me something to do. show me where to go. take up the space in my head, fill it with    information. i want to stop thinking. i need to be busy. i must have something else to      think about. --8.24.17

the time drags on at a painful pace as i wait, then  it runs in double time when i see you, and then--       slowly again. always so slowly. --8.23.17

I miss Cars going by my house in the early hours of the morning,  Their lights making the shadows through our blinds move across the wall.  They used to make noises that reminded me of the ocean-- Gradually getting louder, then  Fading away.  I miss that.  --8.20.17

i know it's different for you. everything's changed. but i wonder if you know that it's changed for me. it would be hard for you to miss it--those texts where i ask you, beg you, to tell me you're okay.  to tell me you're alive.  the urgency in my tone.  i need to know. every time i hear an ambulance my thoughts go straight to you and i panic again.  "is she okay?  what if, what if, what if?" so much panic.  so much worry. we're drifting apart and i don't like it. come back to me, please.  don't be so far away, in distance and in heart.  i need you here.  i need you here.  don't leave me. --8.17.17

and so i marvel again we started with the expectation of waiting.  the boundaries have shrunk since then, choking us, restricting our words and actions; and yet     he still loves me. after all this. this time my tears are from wonder. --8.14.17

every so often i'll think i'm catching a whiff of your deodorant, or cologne, or whatever it is that makes you smell like you. and my heart starts to beat faster and i begin to search the room for your broad shoulders and strawberry blond hair and piercing blue eyes always locked on mine with that little half smile on your lips. then i realize-- you're not here. it's just my daydreams and imagination. so my heart drops back into its original position,  and i remind myself soon. soon, i will see you. --8.14.17

it constantly amazes me how far Your love goes. i run away from You and yet    You pursue me. i pursue things i shouldn't and yet    You call me back.  You run after me because You want me. there's nothing in me worth wanting. but somehow, You want to call me Yours. i'm filthy, i'm dirty, i'm guilty but when You look at me You see righteousness.    You see perfection.    and You love me. when You died you thought of me. when You hung there i was on Your mind. i was the reason You endured pain i cannot imagine. grace is something i'll never understand. --8.13.17

200. 200 rambles, prayers, letters, rants, memories. 200 is a great deal. not everyone has read everything, but that's how i chose it to be. i hope this will help you to forget the bond we share.  maybe you'll hate me.  i half hope that happens, because it's easier to stop liking someone who you know doesn't return the feelings.  my whole life is proof of that. this hurts to do.  it hurts to write. please be happy.  please be okay.  you're being torn apart, and it's all my fault.  i don't want this to happen to you.  i'm scared.  but i want you to be okay, more than anything. please never run away. i don't want to be the one who breaks you.  i'm so scared i will. --8.6.17

you said i was your only exception, but i'm so afraid i've joined the ranks of those who have hurt you. --8.6.17

i stayed up too late last night.  i wanted to get minimal sleep.  maybe because i knew it would make me feel better; maybe because i wanted to punish myself; i don't know.   the moon was so full.   i've noticed that when i'm angry i want to take walks, even if it's 12:20 am.  i long for a walk in the moonlight with no one but me.  me and Someone.   the only Someone who matters, the only Someone who should matter.   i get that wanderlust late at night.  i want to feel the gravel crunch under my bare feet and listen to the sounds of the crickets and cicadas and all the nocturnal animals.  i want to feel the cool late night breeze. wanderlust. --8.6.17

seems like  all i do  as of late  is hurt. it's very apt how the word "hurt" can refer to  an action i perform, and  the state of my own heart. i am the wolf king and he's the falcon. he won't know what that means. as i drift away from one friend and grow closer to another, it feels like so much is changing.  i feel like there's some sort of metaphor for how i feel.   is it like a caterpillar?  am i the caterpillar?  going through the changes, the cracks in the skin, the growing, the stretching, the pain, but becoming a beautiful thing in the end?  if so, where is my beauty?  am i halfway in between?  some sort of mutant?  confused, hurting, unsure? my heart is torn between love for one and obligation to another.  "death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain."  i'd read that sentence many times before the meaning occurred to me.  death is easy, but living with pain is many time...

i hope i'll always love you in some way, even if it's not the in way we started the new year. the past six months have been so amazing. i could never thank you enough for making  them that way. you showed--show?  what exactly is the right tense?--me that i could--can--be loved. really truly loved.      and by someone as perfect as you,    no less. i can't tell you how much that means to me. none of this is your fault. don't worry about me. i'm not hurt.        how could i be hurt when i know you? i'm hopeful that maybe--just maybe--in a few years you'll still be around. maybe. and if you meet someone else, she'll have to be nothing short of an angel to deserve you. i grew.  i'm growing. you grew.  you're growing. sometimes growing hurts.    but whatever we do, let's do it together. --7.8.17

so now  i'll turn my pain      into poetry and  my tears     into beauty --7.6.17

"'beautiful' isn't quite a word one associates with men, but 'beautiful' seems to be the only word i can use to describe his heart and soul." --7.3.17

she's my warrior. my princess. she's strong, she's lovely, she's full of surprises. her hair is silver blond, her eyes are the color of the sky on a clear spring day, her cheeks are sprinkled with freckles, and when she laughs it fills me with joy. we've shared so many things together--those deep belly laughs that make you think you might get abs, the stupid jokes, the jabs at the silly boys, the innuendos, the secrets. she would kill for me.  i would kill for her. she's so strong inside.  i know she hurts, but she doesn't show it.  her father--her best friend, her partner in crime--died just a few years ago.  and i know she feels the scar of his passing so acutely, though she would never let anyone see her cry.   she longs to be loved. i hope she finds a man who will treasure her like the gem she is. she's a blessing to me.   i love her. --6.8.17

she upholds me. she encourages me. when i fall, she picks me up. she's perfect. her hair is as black as midnight, her eyes are the color of a tree in autumn--not quite green, not quite brown--and her smile reaches up to the corners of her eyes and fills me with joy.  she's taller than i am and when i hug her it's like i'm hugging the human embodiment of, well, a hug. she's beautiful just the way she is, with all the pain she holds inside and all the hurt she feels.  she's so very talented and she makes me cry with the way she writes about the ones she loves.  she bottles up the feelings inside, but when she lets them flow they create some of the most beautiful masterpieces i've ever read. when i'm crying, when i'm emotionally compromised, when it's been a terrible day or week, she'll listen to me.  i look to her when i hurt, and she tells me to look heavenward.  she's wonderful, amazing, beautiful. i remember one of the wors...

she's beautiful. a face that can make a whole room stop and hold its breath when she walks in. a body that can lift well over a hundred pounds and run miles without a second thought. and a personality sweeter than south carolina sweet tea. and i call her my best friend. we met in sixth grade. has it only been four years? it feels like i've known her my whole life. she's everything i don't deserve. she's there for me when i hate myself, when i want to die, when i'm crying, when i need a laugh, when i need a friend, when the world crashes down on me. her eyes are the perfect blend of green and blue, her hair is dirty blond, and her smile gives my life meaning. her spirit is strong--broken, but strong.  she hurts in ways i can barely imagine, yet she falls nine times and rises ten.  she lives with the future promise of one of the deepest scars known to man, but she enjoys life nonetheless. we're living, we're learning, we're laughing. ...

the laws of the universe clearly state that cute guys get cute girls, but the      universe glitched somehow and i  got you. --2.21.17

cold night,  clear sky,  shining stars.  "nostalgia chills me to the bone" as i gaze up into the darkness. the night is bright from the half moon, and i can see like it's dusk. every silver speckle is a work of art. the stars comfort me,      give me a sense of warmth, despite their distance. orion is my favorite constellation.  i can always find him,        a strong pattern among the scattered dots. he watches me; watches me watch him.                    and i smile. orion has seen me change, but the stars,        they never change. --2.5.17

"i think one of my favorite things about creation     is the stars. look up at them.  a million, billion miles away, and yet   we can still see them shine. silver on black, they stand out like paint on a canvas. and think,    the One who made those stars, those beautiful balls of fire that give me such joy,         He made me too. and He loves me. when He formed each flaming silver speckle,    He thought of me;  with those same hands He shaped every part of me,         even the ones i don't like. He made me, and He loves me." --1.9.17

it hurts me so much  to see you struggle, to see you suffer    and to know that i can't do a thing to help you. i feel pain when you tell me  there's nothing i can do. my chest tightens  and it's hard to breathe.       i cry for you. i want to be with you, i want to hug you and never let you go.    i want to just sit beside you and comfort you with my presence.  it hurts me to know that you have to fight this     inside,   by yourself. know this, at least:    i will be here for you,           always. --1.9.17