250

a july 1st dream fulfilled.

 --10.13.17

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490

it feels like every week i can't focus too tired too stressed  a thousand things running through my head the week ahead the week behind like every week i look back i look around i look up and wonder what they have that i don't  what i'm missing what i'm doing wrong to feel so alone and lost and afloat i tell myself -- every week -- "this is just a bad week. it is okay to just have a bad week." but every week is a bad week every week there's something wrong and i pray every single day for trust and for contentment and for letting go of control so where is the fulfillment? where is the answer? why am i still here  every week heart beating faster and faster my breath going in and out and in and out in quick quick quick quick time beat if every week is a bad week where are the good weeks? where are the good weeks? --2.14.21
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i'm i think i'm depressed. i'm done hiding things here. it's as my parents told me; "no one reads. no one cares." right at this moment, i cannot remember joy. i cannot remember sitting down to a good episode of a show i love. i cannot remember wanting to be cuddled. today i was scared of touch. me, the touch starved person i am. scared of physical contact with the right person. i shy away. i am shutting down. i am hungry but the thought of food makes me want to vomit. day after day, minute after minute, second after second. shoving food into my body which does nothing but sustain me for several hours until i convince myself to eat again. it's anti-cognitive––i know i need to eat; it will keep me healthy; by not eating i am gaining weight. and yet here i am. the smell of food is disgusting.  of course, material things do not help. no amount of metal in my body, ink on my skin, things i can hold, medication in any form will make me feel better. i know i have...
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bitter. angry. how can i not be? thought that cutting myself off would solve things but it's just made them worse. i look at the couples in my life--my friends, their boyfriends--and it makes me angry because they have no idea how lucky they are, just to be unafraid to love. "you can't love, you're too young." of course! that solves everything! -- YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. HOW I FEEL. HOW THE FACT THAT THE SENTENCE BEFORE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN JOINED TO THE PREVIOUS ONE WITH A COMMA BUT IT WASN'T AND IT REMINDS ME OF HIM. HOW I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT CRYING BECAUSE HE WILL BE TWENTY AND I MISS HIM. HOW MY HANDS SHAKE AND I SWEAT AT THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING THERE NEXT SATURDAY AND I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN MEET HIS EYES. HOW I LOOK FOR HIS CAR EVERYWHERE. HOW I SEE HIS FACE IN CROWDS. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD I? I HATE MYSELF. HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. LEAVE ME ALONE.  SAD. AND LONELY. WELL HONEY, ME TOO. S...
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