excerpts from stories i will never write

i am young. too young to make decisions. --12.7.19

"i only use this blog for my intimate moments, for high periods of emotion." if i don't write, if i don't create--there's nothing for me to paint, no one can see my skin, where's my paints, where are the colors i can pour my soul into, swirls and paint and little bits of me poured out onto myself or onto another surface as if my emotions can become real and be released through chemical colors--if i don't write, paint, draw, create, then i will hurt myself, drag my knuckles across broken glass and concrete tar, scrape them, punch the brick till they bleed, bleed, bleed. release. let me go. let me fly away, run away, scream at the sky. trying not to hurt myself.  --12.7.19

YOUR PROBLEM i scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE PAST pause think wait scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE WHETHER THAT IS - YOUR INNOCENCE - YOUR FRIENDS - THE SUN ON YOUR BACK - LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY - YOUR YOUTH - HER (AND YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN) YOU MISS THE PAST YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU LOOK AT THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW AND COMPARE THEM TO BACK THEN WHEN INSTEAD YOU SHOULD STOP STOP STOP WAIT  THINK  BEFORE YOU REGRET YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR NOW THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR TODAY AND FOR WHAT YOU HAVE YOUR PROBLEM, AS YOU APPROACH THE NEW DAY TOMORROW, IS THAT YOU ARE NOT THANKFUL FOR THE PRESENT be thankful for the present. --11.27.19

one-sided friendships are so hard. --11.21.19

good morning. do i fit in? i'm not sure i really do. two years ahead of everyone my age, struggling mentally, physically, spiritually. i feel temporary. like this is such a short stint, what's the use of trying to make friends if i'm just gonna leave and move back home after this year? i can't open up to people. my troubles seem so small and yet so big. and i don't want to open up. don't want to make myself vulnerable, especially since everything is transient. it's like i'm going through the motions. like nothing really matters. and i sit on my floor with three other girls who are tight-knit because they have time to invest in relationships and i just can't seem to. it feels like my friendships back home are deteriorating, and my friendships here are non-existent. but i have no desire to change things. i don't want to open myself up. i hate being hurt. i keep getting hurt.

and everything in me screams run run away before it hurts again being apart you'll hurt him and he'll hurt you with the distance but the strings of my heart are pulled in his direction and i know i can't do it can't break like that

scrolling back on my own facebook page i saw you there you were having fun with me beside me all smiles and giggles us we used to be so close you know everything about me my darkest secrets my fears my anxiety the way i don't trust my Lord like i should you know that i used to have trouble sleeping know that i work hard never stopping sometimes hurting myself and then earlier this year you changed we changed everything changed in a moment one text, a response i don't know what went wrong and you're gone  your footprint is gone i can't find you anywhere your sisters my sisters i watched them grow up, knit one of them a hat when she was born what happened to us? what made you leave me? and now i can't trust anyone while i'm here i could open up make myself vulnerable, tell a couple people what i told you, maybe find a friend. but you've made me distrust because i've realized no matter how much you love someone--

i miss my sister. i miss my little sisters—not by blood. i miss my friends.

hello, world. recently i made a massive transition, changing my life from something it had been into something new. i moved away from some people. met some new people. gonna learn some new stuff. and i think i'm sad. i'm really not sure, honestly. it's hard to tell. but i think i've blocked out all my emotions and once i settle into a good routine then i'm gonna have to feel things again. it's difficult for me to feel things with my God now. because i've blocked everything out. feels more like a distant relationship than one that travels with me. i think i'm lonely because i don't have the people i want here. and i know that's shallow but wow. i think i've avoided thinking about this transition as if it would fade away into nonexistence as my thoughts danced around it. and that's not true, and now it's here. and i'm blocking everything out. even though i know i'm gonna have to deal with it at some point. eventually i'

the light has gone out of my life. he's away and it's like nothing really matters any more i hope i make it because i love him and i miss him like a part of me is gone

girl, 18, remakes herself. moves out. dyes her hair again. gets some more piercings, more tattoos.  maybe. probably not. girl, 18, is tired of failure. tired of crying. tired of carrying the weight of everything. girl, 18, lives wild. laughs more. stays up too late. expects less from herself and others. watches the shows she's wanted to watch. looks at the stars more. spends more time with shallow friends. pours her heart out more. writes on bathroom stall doors. lives more.

there she stood  looking as beautiful as ever in my dream like not a thing changed  like everything was fine but somehow some part of me knew nothing would be the same but oh, darling, she looked so beautiful. --7.22.19

sitting here in bed cuddling his t shirt breathe deep wishing it was him wishing that we were married wishing that i didn’t have all this weight of the emotions, like carrying the weight of marriage without the release of sex, remembering winter and how he’d let me have his hoodies and how i’d put off washing them because they smell like him and they’d keep me kind of warm but they’re not him it’s not the same it’s not the same i wish.

she was everything to me and now thinking about her keeps me up at night, crying, it's late, but i can't stop; wondering if she thinks of me or if the past six years have been forgotten in her mind, if i was nothing to her, if she hates me so much that forgiveness has no room in her heart; forgiveness for something i didn't know i did, for something i barely recognize i did because i'm still not sure; will i ever know why she left me? --7.10.19

tired of being treated like a child, i make myself feel like a woman but in the after all i wish is to be young and innocent again. —6.29.19

i never thought never could imagine  i would reach the point where i wake up and turn over and feel a little lonely because he feels so much like home my best friend the one i love like woah how can these feelings be real they're so out of this world foreign yet right i could spend hours just talking with him walking with him being next to him i don't want these feelings to ever stop because everything fades to memory  when i'm with him --6.14.19

and so  again  i am a young girl  running to her Father begging, please make it go away  not knowing what exactly it is  not being able to quantify it or know what it would take to make it leave  only knowing that i am scared  and hurt and words won’t capture the desire to be safe from it   however it may come to pass, please take it  away. --5.4.19

orange and black four, three blocks  was it printed on that guy's hat?      no, but it looked like it. was that it on the tv?      not quite, but it reminded me of it. and now i'm remembering  black black black orangeblack black

i can't erase the feeling of that time can't ignore it like it didn't happen can't forget  wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days      as if it could provide safety and comfort staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light      i would cry myself to sleep wondering if there was something wrong with me      for feeling like i did; why was i not content? smiling and crying and no one noticing working hard and realizing that it did not mean      anything wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree      but not having the courage to follow through i can't just pretend it didn't happen when i smell that smell or  feel that feeling or listen to that song or get that vibe it's like it's there all over again and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer but the feeling is still there curse my memory. --4.22.19

hurry look around where is something i can use hurry sharp metal hurry hurry where is something i can drink until my lungs float away on the swell hurry where is something i can eat quickly quickly quickly shove it into my lips down my throat keep the tears from rising hurry hurry get it away let me starve hurry let the emptiness in my stomach proclaim there is a pain worse than emotions hurry hurry anxiety there are clothes lying on my floor that i do not care to put away and there are things i need to do hurry deadlines hurry starve hurry drown hurry slice hurry pain hurry pain hurry pain

can’t go on any more breathe in gasoline oil old spice fresh cut grass sweat watermelons everything is still on fire but the air i breathe is smokeless

i have no one to talk to no one to turn to so i empty my soul upon a page pour out my heart to a screen that can't read try to explain what i'm feeling in a letter that never seems to reach heaven i need advice, need someone to show me what to do, how to do it there's no directions for my situation and for some reason i can't accept everything as it comes how far do i trust my Savior? i don't know. i know i should trust Him farther but it feels so wrong to let go of my tight white knuckle grip on what little of my life i have left there are so many uncertainties and i can't see what is the right path if i can, i don't want to. --4.10.19

i let him down. it doesn't seem like a big deal but to him it's huge. and now i start from the bottom upward again,  building trust and hoping that  i'll prove myself just until i fall again. --4.9.19

"we could run away, right now." kidding and serious at the same time. --3.30.19

what made you leave? what did i do to make you leave? please. i need you back.  come back. --3.27.19

as i lift myself up  i hear a voice ask me "are you satisfied now?" and i answer it with my tears, "no." --3.24.19

as she told the room about last night bubbly showing us the ring on her finger my heart was struck with sadness at one of her movements the way she said something i don't remember but it reminded me of her and it made me hurt because it was like i'd replaced her but not quite i don't know but it still made me miss her just like i do when i wake up and when i go to sleep and in between those bookends it still hurts --3.17.19

watermelon and sunscreen

oh man. i'd forgotten how nervous pretty girls make me. perfect hips, thighs, stomach, nose, smile, hair. hey can we talk? i think you'd be cool as a roommate. oh, i'm sorry but i've already been talking to a couple girls! i'm sure you'll find someone though! i hurt what if i'm not pretty enough to find a roommate?  everyone loves a pretty girl and i'm not that so imperfect so wrong not beautiful what if no one wants me? what if i have to be randomly assigned someone? the last kid chosen for dodgeball, only it's  the last kid chosen  to spend nine months of their life with someone else. no one would want to be stuck with me. panicpanicpanic --3.4.19

third floor. i see the skyline, see buildings and more windows. i think of hurling myself out  breaking glass slicing my skin as i fall weightless for seconds before the sickening crunch of the ground i think of being pushed fingers scrabbling for a hold on  the windowsill breaking my nails feeling my legs grasp for traction on the side of the building i walk across the walkway between two buildings 130 pounds plus a 17 pound backpack imagine the wind blowing me off tumbling down over the railing falling fast heavy landing hard mind reels legs break bones shatter seized by the urge to plummet downward how far out can i jump if i get a running start? this is what it's like to be afraid of heights my thoughts spiral out of control i can't reign them in  because my head is spinning from the feeling --2.21.19

i wonder a lot where you are what you’re doing what made you drift away i’m going to uni soon and i’ll be throwing a graduation party i don’t know who i’ll invite because my close friends have all drifted none so drastically and hurtfuly as you though your ring isn’t on my finger any more and now it’s easier to hold my boyfriend’s hand which is interesting to me i know people come and go but it’s so hard when i think about the false permenance of our friendship how i talked you out of suicide how you were my iron spiritually and how i did something wrong and i’ll never know what what made our friendship toxic, mg? what could i have done to make you say that? i fight for friendships. they don’t come easily to me those meaningful stay up late with you know all of you types of friendships but apparently you don’t and you wouldn’t tell me what i did so i could make it right. i fight for hard earned friendships but if someone doesn’t want me i’ll b

i think it was the realization of how much video calling doesn't compare to being with you that made me cry. and thinking about how i can't be with you all the time and keep you safe and how you can't always hold me or be physically there for me and how 15 minutes feels like an ocean and how 2.5 hours is going to feel like the great expanse of space and how i love you so much it hurts and how much i want you to be okay and how you feel the pressure of being okay so i'll be okay and i don't want you to feel that because you already have so much pressure on you and all i feel like is a nuisance hardly worth being with honestly like all i do is cause problems and i'm deathly afraid of being a problem to you i'm going to wear your shirt to bed because it's the closest thing to you i have right now and i miss you --2.8.19

he cries  he is numb and part of me feels like he is a little boy younger than his years confused and hurting and i want to  wrap him in my arms until he feels the warmth of my love melting him into me and understanding, really, that i would sacrifice anything if it meant he'd be okay --2.6.19

and you think by now i'd be okay that i'd have fully accepted it  but i cried last night when we talked about next school year tears in steady streams  because i don't have enough time for a good long shuddering sobbing cry and i had to fight back the same kind of tears when i was asked about it today and when i opened up a letter from the university and when i think about it at all but i'm not over it and i doubt i will be any time soon --2.5.19

i took your ring off my finger your pictures off my wall our selfies off my phone and i cried today because i needed you and you were not there and i will never know what i did because you saw us as broken and you never told me  and it seems like you expected me to fix it even though i had no idea where to begin  to clean up a mess i didn't know existed finality. i have closure but it's not the closure i wanted. you're gone. --1.31.19

stop pause the music read hurt read hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt read hurt confusion hurt hurt hurt. blow after blow after blow. kick me while i'm already on the ground. 

it felt good to rant about you  to someone  who sharpens me like you did. but it made me sad to think about  six years and how you were there for me and now you're not anymore i mean it's fine whatever it hurts a lot not that you'd care or anything not that you'd ask how i am whatever. --1.23.19

i cried last night because yesterday was so special and you were not there. it would have been easy to drive the 12 minutes. it would have been easy to not make plans that day. it would have been so easy. and you were not there. --1.21.19

i unfollowed you on spotify because it hurts to think about how you clearly have time to listen to music and yet cannot find the minutes  to open a different app to talk to me. --1.21.19

so many things that make a person valuable i wish i could make him see wish i could sprinkle my love onto others to wake them up and show them how to love him because he is incredible  and there is no way for me to force him to believe it and i know it's just a bad day for him and they come and they go but bad days make me think about losing him  make me want to take it all away i hate to see my love hurting no one as out of this world as him deserves to hurt so tear down the walls break open the doors pour love into him wake him up show him that he is so valued by You and i but also by people so many people please i love him. --1.14.19

i want to love him until he forgets he is broken --1.6.19