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i can't erase the feeling of that time
can't ignore it like it didn't happen
can't forget
wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days
as if it could provide safety and comfort
staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light
i would cry myself to sleep
wondering if there was something wrong with me
for feeling like i did; why was i not content?
smiling and crying and no one noticing
working hard and realizing that it did not mean
anything
wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree
but not having the courage to follow through
i can't just pretend it didn't happen
when i smell that smell or
feel that feeling or
listen to that song or
get that vibe it's like
it's there all over again
and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer
but the feeling is still there
can't ignore it like it didn't happen
can't forget
wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days
as if it could provide safety and comfort
staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light
i would cry myself to sleep
wondering if there was something wrong with me
for feeling like i did; why was i not content?
smiling and crying and no one noticing
working hard and realizing that it did not mean
anything
wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree
but not having the courage to follow through
i can't just pretend it didn't happen
when i smell that smell or
feel that feeling or
listen to that song or
get that vibe it's like
it's there all over again
and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer
but the feeling is still there
curse my memory.
--4.22.19
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