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i can't erase the feeling of that time
can't ignore it like it didn't happen
can't forget 
wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days
     as if it could provide safety and comfort
staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light
     i would cry myself to sleep
wondering if there was something wrong with me
     for feeling like i did; why was i not content?
smiling and crying and no one noticing
working hard and realizing that it did not mean
     anything
wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree
     but not having the courage to follow through
i can't just pretend it didn't happen

 when i smell that smell or 
feel that feeling or
listen to that song or
get that vibe it's like
it's there all over again
and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer

 but the feeling is still there
curse my memory.

--4.22.19

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