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scrolling back on my own facebook page
i saw you

there you were
having fun
with me
beside me
all smiles and giggles
us
we used to be so close
you know everything about me
my darkest secrets
my fears
my anxiety
the way i don't trust my Lord like i should
you know that i used to have trouble sleeping
know that i work hard
never stopping
sometimes hurting myself

and then earlier this year
you changed
we changed
everything changed
in a moment
one text, a response
i don't know what went wrong
and you're gone 
your footprint is gone
i can't find you anywhere
your sisters
my sisters
i watched them grow up,
knit one of them a hat when she was born
what happened to us?
what made you leave me?

and now i can't trust anyone
while i'm here i could open up
make myself vulnerable,
tell a couple people what i told you,
maybe find a friend.
but you've made me distrust
because i've realized no matter how much you love someone--
stay up with them--
talk them out of killing themself--
love them--
pray for them and their family--
encourage them--
no matter how many years you spend with them--
they can
and probably will
leave you.

we thought we were going to be in each others' weddings
and now i don't even know you any more.
but i still dream about you
still imagine myself talking to you
still imagine myself running away from you
because i'm a coward
still imagine you turning your face from me
because you hate me
and i still don't know why.

what happened to us?
because right now,
i 
miss
you.

--9.22.19