432

i wonder a lot
where you are
what you’re doing
what made you drift away

i’m going to uni soon
and i’ll be throwing a graduation party
i don’t know who i’ll invite because
my close friends have all drifted
none so drastically and
hurtfuly
as you
though

your ring isn’t on my finger any more
and now it’s easier to hold my boyfriend’s hand
which is interesting
to me

i know people come and go
but it’s so hard
when i think about the false permenance of our friendship
how i talked you out of suicide
how you were my iron spiritually
and how i did something wrong
and i’ll never know what

what made our friendship toxic, mg?
what could i have done to make you say that?

i fight for friendships.
they don’t come easily to me
those meaningful
stay up late with you
know all of you
types of friendships
but apparently
you don’t
and you wouldn’t tell me what i did
so i could make it right.

i fight for hard earned friendships
but if someone doesn’t want me
i’ll be bitter.

it’s hard not to be bitter. i’m sad
with the way you handled our situation
not like you could salvage it
or apparently if you wanted to

and soon i’ll be going away
and you won’t care
and i’ll be crying on his shoulder once a month
when i should have yours every day

it hurts.

—2.10.19