381

bitter.
angry.
how can i not be?
thought that cutting myself off would solve things but it's just made them worse.
i look at the couples in my life--my friends, their boyfriends--and it makes me angry because they have no idea how lucky they are, just to be unafraid to love.
"you can't love, you're too young."
of course!
that solves everything!
--
YOU KNOW NOTHING.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. HOW I FEEL. HOW THE FACT THAT THE SENTENCE BEFORE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN JOINED TO THE PREVIOUS ONE WITH A COMMA BUT IT WASN'T AND IT REMINDS ME OF HIM. HOW I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT CRYING BECAUSE HE WILL BE TWENTY AND I MISS HIM. HOW MY HANDS SHAKE AND I SWEAT AT THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING THERE NEXT SATURDAY AND I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN MEET HIS EYES. HOW I LOOK FOR HIS CAR EVERYWHERE. HOW I SEE HIS FACE IN CROWDS. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD I? I HATE MYSELF. HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. LEAVE ME ALONE. 
SAD. AND LONELY. WELL HONEY, ME TOO. SECOND CHANCES ARE FOR THE STORIES. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE. I LONG FOR AN ESCAPE FROM THIS PRISON. I WANT TO LEAVE. RUN AWAY. PLEASE. STOP THIS TORTURE. BEFORE I STOP IT MYSELF.
--
leave me alone. i don't want anything but to die. please. i wanna die. don't wanna live any more. 

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