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a year ago i was needed.

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479

yesterday. let's try to figure out what i was feeling.  first: "i don't really want to be here."  - tired of staying inside all day - sitting down watching tv. that does not build or grow a relationship. - feeling stagnant. wanting to take a walk in the rain. by myself, because i knew he wouldn't want to come.  - a little worried whenever i show that wild spontaneous side of me. like the part that would get soaking wet and dance in the rain is too much and needs to be hidden. like he's too mature for that part of me. - nothing open anyways. he doesn't like to be outside as much as i do, i think.  second: "please don't touch me." - not sure why. perhaps see the first reaction--"i don't really want to be here." it would have been more interesting to me if i had wanted to be there. - just wanting to be alone. not having to be fake because thoughts run through my head at 90 miles an hour and in the moment i can't explain. i have...
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"i think one of my favorite things about creation     is the stars. look up at them.  a million, billion miles away, and yet   we can still see them shine. silver on black, they stand out like paint on a canvas. and think,    the One who made those stars, those beautiful balls of fire that give me such joy,         He made me too. and He loves me. when He formed each flaming silver speckle,    He thought of me;  with those same hands He shaped every part of me,         even the ones i don't like. He made me, and He loves me." --1.9.17
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he cries  he is numb and part of me feels like he is a little boy younger than his years confused and hurting and i want to  wrap him in my arms until he feels the warmth of my love melting him into me and understanding, really, that i would sacrifice anything if it meant he'd be okay --2.6.19
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