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have you ever felt
numb?
really, truly numb; 
like nothing in life matters anymore,
like you could jump off a bridge
and no one would care, 
like your most intimate thoughts
are 
dust.
have you ever felt
numb?
i am particular.
i feel--really feel--
all at once, all the time;
tsunamis of emotion.
no one can live like that.
so i shove it away.
better to feel nothing than to feel everything, i think.
but now, i wonder--
have i ruined myself?
you cannot pray without emotion.
digging deep within myself brought up
nothing.
empty.
numb.
no love, no hate.
there was nothing there.
that should have terrified me.
instead, i felt
numb.
the fact that nothing matters
doesn't matter
when nothing matters.

--7.7.18