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i cry myself to sleep, sometimes
because i think about how many things can happen between now and next year

 like if i get accepted at a local college
like if i reach out to you, hoping for a second chance, hoping i can still be yours, hoping that part of you still might want me, even just a little, hoping that you'll say "finally" and let me run into your arms
like if you turn me away.
like if you tell me to get the hell out of your life. if you tell me that i've hurt you enough, that i don't deserve a place in your life any more. if you turn your back on me, if you can't bear to look at me, if you're happy without me. 

why do i still love you?

life feels empty without you, like this is just one of our breaks from talking to each other and soon i'll see you pop up in my notifications: "hey."

 why do i still need you?

 i know there is so much more to life than love, than you, than us.

 and still i ache without you.

 fears creep back; you couldn't possibly think the same. i wait every day for one of my friends to send me a picture of you with another girl. a girl who isn't me.

 i can't think of a good way to end this. it makes me want a razor blade.

 --7.31.18

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