358

in a little over a year, i'll be gone.
i'll finally be out of this place.
funny how things never work out
    the way we plan, or even think.
i remember, so long ago, 
  he said
      "I'll be around for at least four more years,
   so there's that…"
but he'll be here, and i'll be gone.

and here we are now. 
sometimes i think i can love quietly,
   acknowledging my feelings without letting them control me.
other times my emotions consume me like
   the raging fire they are. 
and still other times, he gets on my last nerve
   and i'm content with hating him.

or perhaps

i get on my own last nerve

and end up hating myself for the way i feel things.

whatever it is,

i choke it all down.

i don't have the time or energy to love today.

i'd rather just leave.

leave me alone.

dredging up all these feelings.

up and down i--we--go.

"i think i'm going to be okay." 

   i exhale.

      finally, the part of friendship i love.

then the next week,

                           "how do you feel about us?"

i just want to live in one piece. 

"do you want to be mine again?"

     i didn't want to open a can of worms.

         i dodged the bullet and didn't answer. 

  it would only make things worse--just like it always does.

i want him to fall out of love with me

    and in love with someone else.

it's better to have closure, to know

   that no one cares,

      then to know that someone does, and it's killing us both.

--6.5.18