373

i don't feel
and i don't want to!
all this struggle, 
over
and over
and over
the same crap
over
and over
and over again
i cycle through sin and repentance and still
i
feel
nothing!
and i don't want to!
i know that if i open myself
i will be opening myself 
to feeling about him
and i don't want to do that!

 i know i should be sorry
i know it's wrong
but i'm scared
and numb
at the same time

this morning when
i asked for it to all go away
the voices told me that there's a way to make it all disappear
no more struggle
no more longing
no more falling
no more failing
no more loving

 it would be so easy
so easy
to just 
end it all

 that doesn't bother me like it should

 i don't care anymore

i have become completely apathetic

 nothing matters anyway

 --7.18.18

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