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people at church pray

for everyone as they go spend time with family

especially "those that are hard to be around"

and i laugh and thank God that we

don't qualify for that label, that our family

is all close-knit, that we 

care for each other.

but then i step into their house,

into the half-baptist, half-presbyterian atmosphere,

and not even the smells of food cooking

can cover it up.

you'd think that love

and a common belief system

would unite us, not divide us,

but every time we are together we argue.

this year my heart will pound as i anticipate it--

will it be before dinner? 

after? 

or maybe even during?

i wish i was old enough 

to look at them and scream

telling them to stop

stop debating, fighting, arguing, 

stop the barely controlled yells, the

heated, raised voices.

we know the One we love;

why is that not enough?

are you all too stubborn, too

headstrong to realize that we are family

two times over,

aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and

brothers and sisters?

but i am young,

disrespectful

and i know nothing, of course.

so i keep my mouth shut,

keep my heart inside my chest,

keep my words silent.

and unwillingly immerse myself in the tension of family.

--12.21.18