excerpts from stories i will never write

love is  being without her every day almost a year now missing her wishing we were together love is scrolling facebook and seeing her and smiling through tears because she is so beautiful and i would sacrifice everything for her love is  eagerly awaiting a text from her every morning anticipating whatever quirks life throws her way and the way she tells me  how they work out love is sharing a connection like nothing else where we can pick up right where we started after not seeing each other for months love is being there unconditionally for her and her for me because we love each other. --8.31.18

i'm tired of being "the smart one"  while my sister  maintains her reputation for being "the smart one" and "the pretty one" she's already being hit on within the second week of class. i've been there for a whole year, going on my second, and i am ignored. cold. "waiting on your cute sister?" teasing, smiling. "yeah." fake smiling, hiding real pain. "i love you, more than i love your sister." truth. "thanks." really smiling.  it means a lot to know i mean something to at least one person. --8.31.18

hurting in the pit of my stomach like the feeling i remember so well combined with a feeling of rejection. i guess i was just one to him, just another one he could use, rely on; i sacrificed myself, did everything for him, tore myself apart for him and now things have changed. did he love me? i don't know. does love end? maybe it's just a habit for me, to love the ones who never care about me. we were supposed to set the world on fire but instead we turned the matches to ourselves. one out of so many. life must be easy when you can have whatever girl you want. my throat aches and i feel sick now. thanks. for everything.  for the memories i love and hate. Jesus, how i miss him. i hate myself for it. --8.29.18

thought it was him turned around his hair his eyes his build his scent not quite but close enough to make me remember thinking about college what kind of guy do i like? wanted: male compact body type strawberry blonde, though red works too able to understand me stem minded a reader likes my music, so i can finally go to concerts with someone who cares  able to get along with me able to understand me in all my confusion steady, confident extrovert Jesus oriented hype at concerts maybe, maybe, thinks i'm beautiful and tells me so loves me, truly formulated this list at 5 am realized i was just recreating him tried not to be depressed about it failed without hope --8.29.18

a couple miles ten minutes  the same city my eyes search for you  everywhere i go, see your face in every crowd so close (close as the closest star) you feel so far --8.26.18

i do not give you my words open my heart to have it all thrown in my face this is not a point of leverage between us you will not use my own words against me what goes on between us is our business no one else's so leave it in the book where it belongs and when i pour out my heart tell me you love me and that you listen  and read  but do not throw my emotions into my face --8.26.18

bitter. angry. how can i not be? thought that cutting myself off would solve things but it's just made them worse. i look at the couples in my life--my friends, their boyfriends--and it makes me angry because they have no idea how lucky they are, just to be unafraid to love. "you can't love, you're too young." of course! that solves everything! -- YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. HOW I FEEL. HOW THE FACT THAT THE SENTENCE BEFORE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN JOINED TO THE PREVIOUS ONE WITH A COMMA BUT IT WASN'T AND IT REMINDS ME OF HIM. HOW I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT CRYING BECAUSE HE WILL BE TWENTY AND I MISS HIM. HOW MY HANDS SHAKE AND I SWEAT AT THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING THERE NEXT SATURDAY AND I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN MEET HIS EYES. HOW I LOOK FOR HIS CAR EVERYWHERE. HOW I SEE HIS FACE IN CROWDS. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD I? I HATE MYSELF. HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. LEAVE ME ALONE.  SAD. AND LONELY. WELL HONEY, ME TOO. S...

going back, pictures of you. sweating as i think of the possibilities-- how many things can, could, might, will? go wrong, i miss you. reading an article from my mom full of short sentences, a couple grammatical mistakes, and punctuation that reminded me of your writing style. fast. choppy. disconnected. you loved me. you wrote about how you loved me, the girl with the long sentences who loves the semi-colons, who loves you. notice that? present tense. i love. i listen to love songs because i miss the feeling of loving you. i miss you so much. i want to know you're more than alive.

oh, if only you knew. if only i could tell you. every time i open up to you, you tell me why i'm wrong and you're right. i never win, with you. do you see why i don't want to tell you what's wrong? do you see why i don't want to say i can't sleep at night because i'm up late crying? but of course, i'm the one in the wrong.  you're always right. somehow you turn around the earnest outpourings of my heart and make them into arguments against me. what did i do wrong? love? what do i tell you? that when i gave him up, a part of me died and i suddenly saw no point in life, and i had no hope? you'll tell me that i should find my purpose in Jesus, and that God is using this time in my life to make me rely on Him?  then why do i still miss him? why do i still long for him? why am i still lonely? so you see, i can't tell you. i don't tell you. i almost did tonight--but i held back.  for good reason.

why won't someone ask me what's wrong? close my eyes and watch the world fade away what does your voice sound like? what does your face look like? remind me, because i've forgotten. watching my body, disconnected, like a spirit does no one see the way my smile fades? does no one wonder why?  does it only matter that i dumped him? does no one care why? does no one wonder why? asking around, knowing i'll hate myself  but i just wanna know if you're okay, alive,  you know? your only exception, except i wasn't, because i only hurt you like the others. i ache, i long for you, and i have no idea why. why? why doesn't someone ask what happened? why doesn't someone wonder why we stopped talking? i don't want to live without you. you won't know that, ever, probably. please. if you've ever loved me. reach out.  stop being such a gentleman and break my rules. even if it's just "hey. i'm alive, jsyk." i'd love...