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i hope this will be the last post about you.
the last post where i let out my emotion before stifling it.

my mom asked me what i liked about you.
i had to tell her that i couldn't remember; it had been so long since i allowed myself to feel things about you.
i still love you, you know. 
i'm saying it because i know you'll probably never read this.
i got tired of late nights and early mornings spent crying because i still miss you.
you're the one my mind goes to when i'm lonely, or sad, or angry, or falling asleep, or waking up.
i love and hate the memories we've made.
the feeling of your hand in mine.
your hands are so rough and masculine and they made mine feel girly, which was nice.
the way you'd look at me and i could feel your eyes but i didn't know where to look because what do you do when someone looks at you like you're the stars in heaven?
the warmth and steadiness of you when you'd hold me.
that first time, i'd never felt so grounded to reality.
you're unmoving and to a whirlwind of emotions it feels like a breath of fresh air.
the way we'd stay up late at night talking, and tell each other to go to bed. 
you'd always buckle before me.
sometimes you'd offer me your coat but both of us are cold blooded so i'd refuse it because both of us need to be warm.

i refuse to cry.

the way you're--you're you, just--you.

you send me things, little things you've found online or songs you love or articles or short stories or pictures from work.

that deodorant--i'm pretty sure it's your deodorant, at least.

old spice amber, right?

it makes you smell like a girl.

i didn't like it at first, but then i began to associate it with you, and now whenever i smell it my heart jumps and i look around because where are you, you have to be here somewhere.

you know my darkest secrets and you know what makes me tick. 

you'd always complain about me keeping things from you.

yeah, i lied to you a lot.

mostly when i told you i was fine.

you don't know it, but you know the most about me, probably.

you know so much about me; what makes me tick, what i love, what i hate, my secrets.

i messed up with you.

i refuse to cry.

i messed up, big time.

i hope i never do it again.

but i wanted to tell the internet that i love you, and i miss you.

i refuse to cry.

maybe when we're older we can mess up together, in a different way.

maybe you'll let me love you and maybe i'll let you love me.

and here marks the end of emotion.

from now on, you have died in my life.

i will not listen to music that reminds me of you.

if i think about you, i will change the subject.

if i miss you, i will take every precaution to make the thoughts go away.

goodbye.

--6.24.18