excerpts from stories i will never write

but what i don't say is that on top of not being able to see him in the evening, this new work schedule means that i have even more trouble and anxiety and stress about balancing my family and him and that now this means more disappointment  from me from my family from him because i have to measure out the nights  balance them between the two  and know all the while that neither will be satisfied and so i will have let everyone down and i can do nothing to fix it --7.25.20

"wishing he would stop asking questions so i wouldn't have to give answers, but at the same time loving that he cares enough to ask questions in the first place." one of the first things i noticed and loved about him. yet so difficult when i don't know how to put to words what i feel, or when i don't want to. so unused to using the phrase "i'd rather not talk about it." but he's right--as usual. it would make things easier for both of us. --7.16.20

how to solve the inner conflict? eyes burning. waiting, awake, worrying. not sure why he disappeared. lots of time to think. what's up with me? i really should not blame it on my circumstances but it feels like i need to yell at someone, need to hurt myself or let go of all this pent-up energy somehow. it's times like these when i wish she hadn't left me. times when i knew i had someone there for me just a text away.  except when she wasn't there. it's late. my eyes burn from staring at a screen for too long. i'm tired.  attention whore. that's what i feel like. like if i don't have his full attention and patience when i want it--i'm lost, i'm lonely. i want everything from him except when i don't, and then i just want to be left alone. such a spoiled attitude--not sure where it came from, but i wish it would leave. entitled. but i feel like i can't stop feeling that way. dangerous unless i get it under control. i don't even want to w...

help. i want to go back. i don't want to back. i'm tired. i'm wired. it's time for me to get another bodily modification to feel some control over my body and my life. i feel ready to jump off a high surface and just watch myself and feel myself soar. soar. soar.  --7.5.20

yesterday. let's try to figure out what i was feeling.  first: "i don't really want to be here."  - tired of staying inside all day - sitting down watching tv. that does not build or grow a relationship. - feeling stagnant. wanting to take a walk in the rain. by myself, because i knew he wouldn't want to come.  - a little worried whenever i show that wild spontaneous side of me. like the part that would get soaking wet and dance in the rain is too much and needs to be hidden. like he's too mature for that part of me. - nothing open anyways. he doesn't like to be outside as much as i do, i think.  second: "please don't touch me." - not sure why. perhaps see the first reaction--"i don't really want to be here." it would have been more interesting to me if i had wanted to be there. - just wanting to be alone. not having to be fake because thoughts run through my head at 90 miles an hour and in the moment i can't explain. i have...

flowofconsciousness tired eyes burning from saltwater i cried earlier today began with rain the sun came out rain came back from my own eyes can barely find the strength to stay open like his blinds laying on his chest i knew that  i didn't know what i wanted but that it was not this that it was not to go home and stay there and cry more that the one thing i wanted more than anything was to stay and curl up on a couch on our couch and watch a movie and eat ice cream and feel him beside him the warmth of him and the security the nearness of his body provides me that i just wanted to lay down and sleep with him near me hearing his breathing not too soft not too loud just near him like i love like i always want to be  crying like used to when he would leave holding onto him like he is a lifeline and i am drowning in what in my own tears for no reason or maybe for every reason don't want to fulfill everyone's expectations of me i want to be different want to be able to ...

beautiful day. sun shining. breeze coming through the room. tucked up into your arms. face in your chest. breathing in the scent of you. security. one that i know. feel your heartbeat. half of me relaxed, the other up tight because i don't want to ruin this perfect moment. after so long, it feels so good to be in your arms. i wish i never had to leave. --4.13.20

unsatisfied. i run from one problem to the next. can't escape. where are my people. why do i not reach out. why do i retreat. why do i wait for them to move first. why. why. why.

so now i’ve got to go a home that’s not quite mine  sleep in a bed that doesn’t feel right  in an extended state of limbo  lonely, no one to hold me,  nothing to distract me from feeling  can’t talk to anyone, the only one i need is asleep and too far away  i put off sleeping, knowing that i will cry in bed  and sure enough, i do can’t breathe any more but no one can hear nowhere is home. i feel lost and impermanent / transient / passing through.   --3.12.20