481

how to solve the inner conflict?

eyes burning. waiting, awake, worrying. not sure why he disappeared. lots of time to think.

what's up with me? i really should not blame it on my circumstances but it feels like i need to yell at someone, need to hurt myself or let go of all this pent-up energy somehow.

it's times like these when i wish she hadn't left me. times when i knew i had someone there for me just a text away. 

except when she wasn't there.

it's late. my eyes burn from staring at a screen for too long. i'm tired. 

attention whore. that's what i feel like. like if i don't have his full attention and patience when i want it--i'm lost, i'm lonely. i want everything from him except when i don't, and then i just want to be left alone. such a spoiled attitude--not sure where it came from, but i wish it would leave.

entitled. but i feel like i can't stop feeling that way. dangerous unless i get it under control.

i don't even want to watch my show. just want to curl into a ball and cease existing. cry. die. disappear. erase myself.

--7.16.20

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