479

yesterday. let's try to figure out what i was feeling. 

first: "i don't really want to be here." 
- tired of staying inside all day
- sitting down watching tv. that does not build or grow a relationship.
- feeling stagnant. wanting to take a walk in the rain. by myself, because i knew he wouldn't want to come. 
- a little worried whenever i show that wild spontaneous side of me. like the part that would get soaking wet and dance in the rain is too much and needs to be hidden. like he's too mature for that part of me.
- nothing open anyways. he doesn't like to be outside as much as i do, i think. 

second: "please don't touch me."
- not sure why. perhaps see the first reaction--"i don't really want to be here." it would have been more interesting to me if i had wanted to be there.
- just wanting to be alone. not having to be fake because thoughts run through my head at 90 miles an hour and in the moment i can't explain. i have to think. 
- just not wanting to be cuddled. not being sure if that's selfish of me. thinking about the future--is this an attitude i can carry into our relationship in the future? i don't know. 

third: "what's wrong with me?"
- why did i feel that way?
- all those things at once. wondering if my personality is changing permanently, wanting to reverse it but not being sure how. 
- wishing he would stop asking questions so i wouldn't have to give answers, but at the same time loving that he cares enough to ask questions in the first place.
- wondering how long my desire to be left alone will last.
- wondering if i'm ever going to feel the intense attraction i did just several months ago.
- wondering if this is my own personal version of mental instability.

fourth: couldn't sleep. 1:30 am and beyond. thoughts whirling as they normally do in summertime. still a little sad that he didn't even tell me goodnight. even if it looked like, "Goodnight.". putting off sleeping--one hour, two hours, another half hour. just wanting a sleeping pill to knock me out without the wait and the thoughts keeping me up.

--5.30.20

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