excerpts from stories i will never write

i wish you wouldn't hit me with that  "it's been that kind of day" shit when i know for a fact that all you do is  lie in bed watch movies play games get your breakfast brought to you i'm over here just trying to graduate and you're like wow  life is hard girl don't i know that life is hard? especially when you dropped out of my life and still, i guess, expect me to want you in it and like, i get it i read today what ponyboy pointed out-- things are hard all over. but still. don't complain about your perfect life hiding lies and consequences and expect me to have sympathy when i barely sleep eat and only hug the love of my life twice a month --1.28.20

excuse my tone and lack of punctuation but there's nothing poetic about this. tomorrow, 1 year. 1 year marks the time when you kicked me out of your life completely. and you thought it would be a good idea, thought that a "good friend" would know what they'd done to hurt you and so you didn't tell me. bitch you didn't tell me. i'm angry at the idea of you. i loved you. i loved you with my whole heart. i spent so much of my paycheck sending you a thought out christmas gift and what did i get back? silence. silence and nothing else. and i'm not one for self diagnosis but i feel like i have ptsd from you. you're the reason i can't trust anyone. the reason that i close myself off even further than i did before. i have dreams about you and do you know what i do? i see you and i run because i can't confront you. i'm scared. i'm terrified. those feelings well up in me again and they hurt my chest and i run, because i'm a coward. i do...

i didn't cry yesterday when he left i'm not sure why maybe it hasn't hit me yet but i know that i am completely and  incandescently in love with him every inch of him the difficult things i love to put my arm over his chest find my head's place against his shoulder and know that someone a physical being loves me truly in a sea of emotion he's my island safehouse, search party something i can touch with awe in my eyes run my fingers over his skin as he tells me 'i love you' --1.20.20

what would you do? staring into his eyes, yesterday, so clear and beautiful he smiled  grinning at me  chest moving up and down in time to a silent poem his eyes were clear, oh, they were so lovely it made me absolutely sure that i want to make him feel  just like that every day of my life want to give him my future, because he deserves it the man with the  clearest bluest eyes --1.20.20

i am young. too young to make decisions. --12.7.19

"i only use this blog for my intimate moments, for high periods of emotion." if i don't write, if i don't create--there's nothing for me to paint, no one can see my skin, where's my paints, where are the colors i can pour my soul into, swirls and paint and little bits of me poured out onto myself or onto another surface as if my emotions can become real and be released through chemical colors--if i don't write, paint, draw, create, then i will hurt myself, drag my knuckles across broken glass and concrete tar, scrape them, punch the brick till they bleed, bleed, bleed. release. let me go. let me fly away, run away, scream at the sky. trying not to hurt myself.  --12.7.19

YOUR PROBLEM i scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE PAST pause think wait scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE WHETHER THAT IS - YOUR INNOCENCE - YOUR FRIENDS - THE SUN ON YOUR BACK - LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY - YOUR YOUTH - HER (AND YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN) YOU MISS THE PAST YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU LOOK AT THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW AND COMPARE THEM TO BACK THEN WHEN INSTEAD YOU SHOULD STOP STOP STOP WAIT  THINK  BEFORE YOU REGRET YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR NOW THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR TODAY AND FOR WHAT YOU HAVE YOUR PROBLEM, AS YOU APPROACH THE NEW DAY TOMORROW, IS THAT YOU ARE NOT THANKFUL FOR THE PRESENT be thankful for the present. --11.27.19

one-sided friendships are so hard. --11.21.19

good morning. do i fit in? i'm not sure i really do. two years ahead of everyone my age, struggling mentally, physically, spiritually. i feel temporary. like this is such a short stint, what's the use of trying to make friends if i'm just gonna leave and move back home after this year? i can't open up to people. my troubles seem so small and yet so big. and i don't want to open up. don't want to make myself vulnerable, especially since everything is transient. it's like i'm going through the motions. like nothing really matters. and i sit on my floor with three other girls who are tight-knit because they have time to invest in relationships and i just can't seem to. it feels like my friendships back home are deteriorating, and my friendships here are non-existent. but i have no desire to change things. i don't want to open myself up. i hate being hurt. i keep getting hurt.