excerpts from stories i will never write

i am young. too young to make decisions. --12.7.19

"i only use this blog for my intimate moments, for high periods of emotion." if i don't write, if i don't create--there's nothing for me to paint, no one can see my skin, where's my paints, where are the colors i can pour my soul into, swirls and paint and little bits of me poured out onto myself or onto another surface as if my emotions can become real and be released through chemical colors--if i don't write, paint, draw, create, then i will hurt myself, drag my knuckles across broken glass and concrete tar, scrape them, punch the brick till they bleed, bleed, bleed. release. let me go. let me fly away, run away, scream at the sky. trying not to hurt myself.  --12.7.19

YOUR PROBLEM i scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE PAST pause think wait scream YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE WHETHER THAT IS - YOUR INNOCENCE - YOUR FRIENDS - THE SUN ON YOUR BACK - LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY - YOUR YOUTH - HER (AND YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN) YOU MISS THE PAST YOU MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU LOOK AT THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW AND COMPARE THEM TO BACK THEN WHEN INSTEAD YOU SHOULD STOP STOP STOP WAIT  THINK  BEFORE YOU REGRET YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR NOW THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE FOR TODAY AND FOR WHAT YOU HAVE YOUR PROBLEM, AS YOU APPROACH THE NEW DAY TOMORROW, IS THAT YOU ARE NOT THANKFUL FOR THE PRESENT be thankful for the present. --11.27.19

one-sided friendships are so hard. --11.21.19

good morning. do i fit in? i'm not sure i really do. two years ahead of everyone my age, struggling mentally, physically, spiritually. i feel temporary. like this is such a short stint, what's the use of trying to make friends if i'm just gonna leave and move back home after this year? i can't open up to people. my troubles seem so small and yet so big. and i don't want to open up. don't want to make myself vulnerable, especially since everything is transient. it's like i'm going through the motions. like nothing really matters. and i sit on my floor with three other girls who are tight-knit because they have time to invest in relationships and i just can't seem to. it feels like my friendships back home are deteriorating, and my friendships here are non-existent. but i have no desire to change things. i don't want to open myself up. i hate being hurt. i keep getting hurt.

and everything in me screams run run away before it hurts again being apart you'll hurt him and he'll hurt you with the distance but the strings of my heart are pulled in his direction and i know i can't do it can't break like that

scrolling back on my own facebook page i saw you there you were having fun with me beside me all smiles and giggles us we used to be so close you know everything about me my darkest secrets my fears my anxiety the way i don't trust my Lord like i should you know that i used to have trouble sleeping know that i work hard never stopping sometimes hurting myself and then earlier this year you changed we changed everything changed in a moment one text, a response i don't know what went wrong and you're gone  your footprint is gone i can't find you anywhere your sisters my sisters i watched them grow up, knit one of them a hat when she was born what happened to us? what made you leave me? and now i can't trust anyone while i'm here i could open up make myself vulnerable, tell a couple people what i told you, maybe find a friend. but you've made me distrust because i've realized no matter how much you love someone-- ...

i miss my sister. i miss my little sisters—not by blood. i miss my friends.

hello, world. recently i made a massive transition, changing my life from something it had been into something new. i moved away from some people. met some new people. gonna learn some new stuff. and i think i'm sad. i'm really not sure, honestly. it's hard to tell. but i think i've blocked out all my emotions and once i settle into a good routine then i'm gonna have to feel things again. it's difficult for me to feel things with my God now. because i've blocked everything out. feels more like a distant relationship than one that travels with me. i think i'm lonely because i don't have the people i want here. and i know that's shallow but wow. i think i've avoided thinking about this transition as if it would fade away into nonexistence as my thoughts danced around it. and that's not true, and now it's here. and i'm blocking everything out. even though i know i'm gonna have to deal with it at some point. eventually i...