excerpts from stories i will never write

lying on my floor  listening to sad music  really doesn’t help my mood makes me cry harder  but i still do it  stupid me  stupid moods  stupid emotions  real life hurts  because he’s not always with me  and it’s easy to forget that we’re in different phases of life when he’s with me  i forget that we live apart and have different schedules and different everything and now i’m rambling because it’s late at night and i’ve wasted over an hour waiting for someone, amyone, to talk to me, to remind me that i’m not alone and i’m not as lonely as i feel right now but oh how it hurts  the future is so scary.  i know what i want but i’m scared it won’t happen and  i don’t know what i’ll do.  people are slowly drifting from me, and i am replacing them while i hold onto one sided friendships and i don’t like it  frick man, this isn’t fun.  i’m freezing cold and i’m not doing anything about it.  i’m wide awake even though it’s late.  i’m hungry but i don’t want to eat.  i’m lon

and i remember why i  used to dislike seeing him because eventually we have to say goodbye and i will miss him again i miss him again --12.27.28

people at church pray for everyone as they go spend time with family especially "those that are hard to be around" and i laugh and thank God that we don't qualify for that label, that our family is all close-knit, that we  care for each other. but then i step into their house, into the half-baptist, half-presbyterian atmosphere, and not even the smells of food cooking can cover it up. you'd think that love and a common belief system would unite us, not divide us, but every time we are together we argue. this year my heart will pound as i anticipate it-- will it be before dinner?  after?  or maybe even during? i wish i was old enough  to look at them and scream telling them to stop stop debating, fighting, arguing,  stop the barely controlled yells, the heated, raised voices. we know the One we love; why is that not enough? are you all too stubborn, too headstrong to realize that we are family two times over,

i mean  i guess it’s okay  but like not really  because i used to text you every day  and you’d goof around with me laugh with me  cry with me  send me things when you were thinking about me  stay up with me  give me advice  cry on my shoulder  give me a shoulder to cry on  and now that’s gone  it’s okay  not really though  maybe i’m just scared of change  like i expected we’d stay the same  you and i  you’d be in my wedding  and i’d be in yours  us every day taking on the world together  can three months of silence heal?  can separation heal?  i can’t be bitter if you come back  i’ve never been able to  because i forgive too easily  leave my heart open for everyone  it’s yours if you want it  if you so choose  but you probably won’t  i guess that’s okay.  not really though.  —12.19.18

you don't know it, but every word stabs my heart. you say they're a great friend, tell me you've been talking every day. so where was i? what am i? disposable? do you not notice how i've poured my heart into you for years now? you're there for them every day; where were you for me? where were you when i screamed at the sky and punched the ground until my knuckles bled? where were you when i cried myself to sleep and stressed so much i made myself sick? where were you when i needed you? both of you.  high school is supposed to be the time when you make friendships that make you and the two who mean most to me have decided to drop off the map. where are you? what did i do? i love until i have nothing left, and when you leave i realize i am empty. come back… --12.13.18

i told him i love his smile  and now whenever he sends me a picture  he smiles with such happiness  that it touches the corners of his eyes.  —12.4.18

and here i am crying  because it promises to satisfy but it never does because now tomorrow is day one again because i wish i could undo so many things like the past hour and that day three years ago  because i push away the voice that tells me no because i don’t want to be known as this but somehow it’s the way i see myself  because now i must admit failure to those who love me  there is no english word  to describe the pain, sorrow, regret  i feel.  i  am  sorry  —12.1.18