excerpts from stories i will never write

i cry myself to sleep, sometimes because i think about how many things can happen between now and next year like if i get accepted at a local college like if i reach out to you, hoping for a second chance, hoping i can still be yours, hoping that part of you still might want me, even just a little, hoping that you'll say "finally" and let me run into your arms like if you turn me away. like if you tell me to get the hell out of your life. if you tell me that i've hurt you enough, that i don't deserve a place in your life any more. if you turn your back on me, if you can't bear to look at me, if you're happy without me.  why do i still love you? life feels empty without you, like this is just one of our breaks from talking to each other and soon i'll see you pop up in my notifications: "hey." why do i still need you? i know there is so much more to life than love, than you, than us. and still i ache without you. fears creep b

it’s hard to do what you know is best when really it feels like you’re cutting your heart out of your chest open heart surgery, my heart was open to him— a book, his personal library. he told me i was bound shut but he didn’t know that i tore my pages out and laid them on the floor before him, around him. and when i put a match to the piles of paper surrounding him, i watched him burn within the flames, that sad smile on his face like he always had when we’d say goodbye. i watched, steel eyed and stone faced while he cried. and when it became too much i turned my face so that he couldn’t see the tears evaporating in the heat of our blaze. i tried to turn back, hoping that he would still be there, like he always was— my pillar, my support, waiting for me with arms open, always waiting for me to come home, to him, he was home— but all i found was ashes. him and i, mixed together because you can’t tell the difference when you’re both hurting— all screams sound the same

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF END IT ALL YOU'RE GONE YOU'VE DELETED ME FROM YOUR LIFE AND NOW YOU DON'T LOVE ME WHICH I KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T CRY WHEN I FOUND THAT YOU'D DELETED THE ONE LINE I THOUGHT I HAD TO GO ON YOU'RE GONE YOU'RE GONE YOU'RE GONE YOU'RE GONE AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME I THINK I CAN NEVER LOVE ANYONE AS MUCH AS I LOVE(D) YOU YOU'RE GONE YOU DON'T LOVE ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME I WANT TO DIE LEAVE THE WORLD END IT ALL GET IT OVER WITH WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH ME LIFE HAS NO MEANING  WITHOUT YOU I WANT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE GET OUT AWAY SOMEWHERE YOU'RE NOT TEN MINUTES DOWN THE ROAD TAUNTING ME WITH ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OFMY LIFE WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS GOING TO SAVE YOU AND YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAW BEAUTY IN ME TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE GET ME OUT OF THIS WORLD THIS PLACE THIS LI

a year ago i was needed.

i don't feel and i don't want to! all this struggle,  over and over and over the same crap over and over and over again i cycle through sin and repentance and still i feel nothing! and i don't want to! i know that if i open myself i will be opening myself  to feeling about him and i don't want to do that! i know i should be sorry i know it's wrong but i'm scared and numb at the same time this morning when i asked for it to all go away the voices told me that there's a way to make it all disappear no more struggle no more longing no more falling no more failing no more loving it would be so easy so easy to just  end it all that doesn't bother me like it should i don't care anymore i have become completely apathetic nothing matters anyway --7.18.18

it makes me sick to watch thirteen year olds  on  stranger things share kisses and i roll my eyes at ten year olds in  i can only imagine carving their names on the wooden floor of a bridge  at night while they watch fireworks explode in the sky when i see the sixty year olds in  ant man and the wasp sharing a passionate kiss i want to throw up they are younger or older than i and yet  they have something i don't something i did but something that i let go because i had to life isn't fair i had love and i had to leave it why is life unfair  like this

over now.  it's over now.  my playlist is gone.  he hasn't been online in a week. he… is gone. goodbye. --7.15.18

"no matter what happens, i will take you to at least one concert. i promise." the funny thing about promises  is that they're so easy to break. would you still do that? probably not. you probably hate me. deleted music that reminds me of you. deleted music you told me about. deleted everything related to you. what kind of an idiot is still in love with someone she hasn't talked to in a week? hadn't had a decent conversation in over a month? i end here. --7.13.18

there is a boy who comes to the library sometimes i do not know him i know that he stays against the wall, sometimes to charge his phone i know he has a girlfriend, or a sister who comes with him  sometimes i know he is older than i  i know he uses the computers sometimes i know he's cried  during  one of my favorite  movies shamelessly i know he uses cologne graciously because i can recognize the smell of him from where i stand there is  a boy and i do not know him and i do not know his story but i wish i did --7.10.18

SO WHAT AM I WHO IS IT BETTER TO BE A TEENAGER WITH A NEW CRUSH EVERY MONTH OR HUNG UP OVER THE SAME MAN FOR OVER A YEAR I  LOVE HIM DO I I DO AM I HUNG UP OR AM I OBSESSED SHOULD SOMEONE MY AGE BE THIS MUCH IN LOVE WITH A SINGLE PERSON IS IT POSSIBLE TO FEEL LOVE WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG AND DUMB AND SEVENTEEN AND TOO YOUNG TO DATE IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE IN LOVE CAN I LOVE WHEN I SHOVE DOWN MY FEELINGS AND MEMORIES OF HIM BUT THERE IS STILL THAT VAGUE FEELING OF MISSING SOMETHING OF MISSING HIM OF A PART OF ME MISSING IT HAS BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE OUR LAST NORMAL CONVERSATION AND STILL HE IS MY FIRST THOUGHT WHEN I WAKE AND WHEN I SLEEP AM I IN LOVE OR IS THIS WHAT BEING SEVENTEEN MEANS --7.7.18

have you ever felt numb? really, truly numb;  like nothing in life matters anymore, like you could jump off a bridge and no one would care,  like your most intimate thoughts are  dust. have you ever felt numb? i am particular. i feel--really feel-- all at once, all the time; tsunamis of emotion. no one can live like that. so i shove it away. better to feel nothing than to feel everything, i think. but now, i wonder-- have i ruined myself? you cannot pray without emotion. digging deep within myself brought up nothing. empty. numb. no love, no hate. there was nothing there. that should have terrified me. instead, i felt numb. the fact that nothing matters doesn't matter when nothing matters. --7.7.18

but it was just a dream, and as we all know, dreams never come true. --7.2.18