excerpts from stories i will never write

i hope this will be the last post about you. the last post where i let out my emotion before stifling it. my mom asked me what i liked about you. i had to tell her that i couldn't remember; it had been so long since i allowed myself to feel things about you. i still love you, you know.  i'm saying it because i know you'll probably never read this. i got tired of late nights and early mornings spent crying because i still miss you. you're the one my mind goes to when i'm lonely, or sad, or angry, or falling asleep, or waking up. i love and hate the memories we've made. the feeling of your hand in mine. your hands are so rough and masculine and they made mine feel girly, which was nice. the way you'd look at me and i could feel your eyes but i didn't know where to look because what do you do when someone looks at you like you're the stars in heaven? the warmth and steadiness of you when you'd hold me. that first time, i'd never fe...

scanning pictures of a place i've never been but i should have. that was the worst night of my life, and yet here i am. still looking. i'm bitter.  angry. wishing things were different. i hurt. --6.21.18

halfway through my transformation like chains not quite broken i feel held back as if i am not whole never clean almost there-- just out of reach i feel stuck between fully forgiven and lost like i'm on the path  but not quite home and yet old things pass away --6.18.18

dear universe,      are you done yet? is this enough for you? you must not have liked breaking your rules . you've been fighting to keep us apart ever since we met.  are you happy now? dear universe,      will things ever be the same? the answer is no, of course. i thought i'd ask all the same. dear universe,      did you sit back and smile after the last angry "goodbye" was said? you should be proud of your work. you did a marvelous job, breaking me. congratulations.  dear universe,      can you leave me alone for a while? i'm a bit worn out from the events of the past year or two.  just, let me recover.  please. dear universe,      do you take requests? if so, i'd like to go into a coma for, say, three months. it would be nice to wake up and feel better.  dear universe,      if there's one thing this has taught ...

sometimes, i ask God why i don't have cancer. i ask why i get so upset over the small things.  "others are dying," i protest. "my friends are suffering. why am i so worked up about all these little things?" i know now, it's because i don't care about the large things. i wouldn't mind dying.  i wouldn't mind big problems. "big" problems don't bother me. i've written so much about small things, and when the big things have happened, i don't tell anyone.  it doesn't bother me as much. i don't stay up and cry over the "big" things.  strange.  i guess everyone is different. --6.8.18

He found her, most often, wandering the library, her fingertips lightly brushing the spines of the books. "What are you looking for?" he'd ask. She'd smile. "Answers." --6.5.18

in a little over a year, i'll be gone. i'll finally be out of this place. funny how things never work out     the way we plan, or even think. i remember, so long ago,    he said       "I'll be around for at least four more years,    so there's that…" but he'll be here, and i'll be gone. and here we are now.  sometimes i think i can love quietly,    acknowledging my feelings without letting them control me. other times my emotions consume me like    the raging fire they are.  and still other times, he gets on my last nerve    and i'm content with hating him. or perhaps i get on my own last nerve and end up hating myself for the way i feel things. whatever it is, i choke it all down. i don't have the time or energy to love today. i'd rather just leave. leave me alone. dredging up all these feelings. up and down i--we--go. "i think i'm going to be okay."  ...