excerpts from stories i will never write

so now i’ve got to go a home that’s not quite mine  sleep in a bed that doesn’t feel right  in an extended state of limbo  lonely, no one to hold me,  nothing to distract me from feeling  can’t talk to anyone, the only one i need is asleep and too far away  i put off sleeping, knowing that i will cry in bed  and sure enough, i do can’t breathe any more but no one can hear nowhere is home. i feel lost and impermanent / transient / passing through.   --3.12.20

my rules of survival: 1. don't open up. ever. don't let anyone into your head. they will leave you, they will hurt you, you will wish you'd never let them in. 2. don't get attached. they will leave you, they will hurt you, you will wish you'd stayed distant. they do not care about you forever. they never do.  3. tell lies. cover up the truth with smiles. let them think that you are okay, when inside you are being torn apart. they do not care, really. they will hurt you. 3.1 "i'm sorry" 3.2 "i forgive you" 3.3 "i miss you too" 3.4 "thank you for offering to be there for me when i need a friend"

i hope you're happy now. i wonder if there's anyone checking up on you. i hope you're happy now. i wonder if you're getting enough sleep. i hope you're happy now. i wonder if you're more relaxed, less stressed, not as depressed. i hope you're happy now. --2.19.20

"why are you not satisfied?"  some voice inside asks me "God should be enough." "yes," i answer. "but God is not warm." is that blasphemy? --2.17.20

i can already tell  just almost a month in that this semester is going to be very difficult i can't expect endless energy, he gets up so early and stays busy all day barely time to breathe but my schedule and his schedule just don't line up and i rush out of work to be able to see him for five minutes bedtime. a concept not grasped in american culture why sleep when the lights can stay on all night? i miss him, miss his face and his voice and him that screen is the closest thing i get to the real thing what can i say? i miss him. --2.4.20

they don’t tell you  that his skin is the softest thing to your fingertips  and he smells like candy and spice  and his chest is warm and he doesn’t mind when you drape yourself over him  just to feel more of him  they don’t tell you that it’ll be hard to erase  the way he smells  from you clothes  like he’s gone but his essence isn’t  you keep thinking he’ll come back, knock on the door any second  because it locks automatically  and you’ve had to keep letting him in all weekend they don’t tell you how when he’s with you  you both avoid the word “leave”  in any form  they don’t tell you that when he holds you close and says  “shh, i’ve got you,”  it’ll make you cry even more because he’s got you now but he won’t when he’s hours away  they don’t tell you that when he’s home and jokes about coming back, just give him a couple hours and he’ll be there,  it mak...

i wish you wouldn't hit me with that  "it's been that kind of day" shit when i know for a fact that all you do is  lie in bed watch movies play games get your breakfast brought to you i'm over here just trying to graduate and you're like wow  life is hard girl don't i know that life is hard? especially when you dropped out of my life and still, i guess, expect me to want you in it and like, i get it i read today what ponyboy pointed out-- things are hard all over. but still. don't complain about your perfect life hiding lies and consequences and expect me to have sympathy when i barely sleep eat and only hug the love of my life twice a month --1.28.20

excuse my tone and lack of punctuation but there's nothing poetic about this. tomorrow, 1 year. 1 year marks the time when you kicked me out of your life completely. and you thought it would be a good idea, thought that a "good friend" would know what they'd done to hurt you and so you didn't tell me. bitch you didn't tell me. i'm angry at the idea of you. i loved you. i loved you with my whole heart. i spent so much of my paycheck sending you a thought out christmas gift and what did i get back? silence. silence and nothing else. and i'm not one for self diagnosis but i feel like i have ptsd from you. you're the reason i can't trust anyone. the reason that i close myself off even further than i did before. i have dreams about you and do you know what i do? i see you and i run because i can't confront you. i'm scared. i'm terrified. those feelings well up in me again and they hurt my chest and i run, because i'm a coward. i do...

i didn't cry yesterday when he left i'm not sure why maybe it hasn't hit me yet but i know that i am completely and  incandescently in love with him every inch of him the difficult things i love to put my arm over his chest find my head's place against his shoulder and know that someone a physical being loves me truly in a sea of emotion he's my island safehouse, search party something i can touch with awe in my eyes run my fingers over his skin as he tells me 'i love you' --1.20.20