excerpts from stories i will never write

tired of being treated like a child, i make myself feel like a woman but in the after all i wish is to be young and innocent again. —6.29.19

i never thought never could imagine  i would reach the point where i wake up and turn over and feel a little lonely because he feels so much like home my best friend the one i love like woah how can these feelings be real they're so out of this world foreign yet right i could spend hours just talking with him walking with him being next to him i don't want these feelings to ever stop because everything fades to memory  when i'm with him --6.14.19

and so  again  i am a young girl  running to her Father begging, please make it go away  not knowing what exactly it is  not being able to quantify it or know what it would take to make it leave  only knowing that i am scared  and hurt and words won’t capture the desire to be safe from it   however it may come to pass, please take it  away. --5.4.19

orange and black four, three blocks  was it printed on that guy's hat?      no, but it looked like it. was that it on the tv?      not quite, but it reminded me of it. and now i'm remembering  black black black orangeblack black

i can't erase the feeling of that time can't ignore it like it didn't happen can't forget  wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days      as if it could provide safety and comfort staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light      i would cry myself to sleep wondering if there was something wrong with me      for feeling like i did; why was i not content? smiling and crying and no one noticing working hard and realizing that it did not mean      anything wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree      but not having the courage to follow through i can't just pretend it didn't happen when i smell that smell or  feel that feeling or listen to that song or get that vibe it's like it's there all over again and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer but the feeling is still there curse my memory. --4.22.19

hurry look around where is something i can use hurry sharp metal hurry hurry where is something i can drink until my lungs float away on the swell hurry where is something i can eat quickly quickly quickly shove it into my lips down my throat keep the tears from rising hurry hurry get it away let me starve hurry let the emptiness in my stomach proclaim there is a pain worse than emotions hurry hurry anxiety there are clothes lying on my floor that i do not care to put away and there are things i need to do hurry deadlines hurry starve hurry drown hurry slice hurry pain hurry pain hurry pain

can’t go on any more breathe in gasoline oil old spice fresh cut grass sweat watermelons everything is still on fire but the air i breathe is smokeless

i have no one to talk to no one to turn to so i empty my soul upon a page pour out my heart to a screen that can't read try to explain what i'm feeling in a letter that never seems to reach heaven i need advice, need someone to show me what to do, how to do it there's no directions for my situation and for some reason i can't accept everything as it comes how far do i trust my Savior? i don't know. i know i should trust Him farther but it feels so wrong to let go of my tight white knuckle grip on what little of my life i have left there are so many uncertainties and i can't see what is the right path if i can, i don't want to. --4.10.19

i let him down. it doesn't seem like a big deal but to him it's huge. and now i start from the bottom upward again,  building trust and hoping that  i'll prove myself just until i fall again. --4.9.19