excerpts from stories i will never write

and maybe it's just hard  for me to realize that people will always mean more to me than i do to them. --11.29.18

i've been told that love, if it is real, will stay. you stayed. you waited.  but i'm afraid.  will you stay? if i tell them and they cut us off, will you stay? if they break us up again, will you stay? if i am put back in the time where nights and days and drives were so hard without you, will you stay? i'm so absolutely terrified that i will lose you again. i don't want to lose you again. i just don't want to lose you again. --11.27.18

sometimes i get sidetracked on pinterest.  i look at all these instagram girls-- filtered lives, long, straight hair, beautiful nights, fireflies, smiles, shorts, huge t shirts that somehow look hot, crop tops,  perfect bodies, perfect lives. i'll get sad. his face belongs in a picture like that and i feel like i'll never measure up to the girl he deserves. weird me.  with my imperfect hair, funny tastes, odd smile, not perfect. but sometimes he grabs my hand locks our fingers and looks in my eyes like they hold secrets he wants to know and he'll tell me he's the one who doesn't deserve me and it's crazy  because i feel so inadequate but he loves me and to him i am precious and it blows my mind --11.18.18

cleanse me.  please. my thoughts disgust me. i am sick.  i am a sick, twisted human being. i cannot control myself. i hate this.  i hate living like this. this terrible thing in the back of my head gnawing like a monster until i succumb to the poisonous fangs i know will kill me. wash me.  cleanse me. purify me. until this is gone and all that is left is You. i hate this so much. i want to be free. i want to live You, breathe You, speak You, love You. please. i cannot do this on my own. --11.12.18

loving him is-- wonderful he brings light to my days encouraging me strengthening me laughing with me t alking with me loving me (what a wonder!) i can't really describe it it's too hard to capture a hundred poets have already tried and i suppose they've done alright but it's so crazy like it's meant to be like we fit so well together it can't be coincidence and i knew that from the start but it's like it's been affirmed like yeah,  this is where i'm supposed to be here by his side loving him loved by him this kind of love is special and i'm glad it's ours --11.8.18

yes, i know everyone's busy this time of year. i'm a senior. life gets stressful. and it's foolish of me to assume that everyone else is like me, valuing friendships and relationships so highly. but when she's so busy that she cannot respond to a simple "good morning," then it is clear to me  that i am not a priority in her life. it's fine. i try every day but eventually i will stop. even i know when my affections are no longer desired. --10.27.18

you seem so miserable. i've always felt like a burden to you. the problem child.  the first one to go through everything,  the guinea pig, the draft. i didn't ask to be born. you're the one who signed up to be a mother. you made that decision. you tell me i'm not what i think i am but i know everything i do and everything we do gives you stress and puts pressure on you and makes you unhealthy like always. does the joy truly outweigh the sorrow? and you tell me about marriage, that the things which enamor me so much are the things that will grate on my nerves the most when i choose someone to spend the rest of my life with. you point out the things he does  that annoy you and i see myself in you and i am afraid. the reasons why i swore away marriage flood back to me--cheaters, abusers, gone. bad husbands, no husbands. divorce. death. pain. the reasons why i swore away children flood back to me--loneliness, abuse, struggle. why would i want to ...

error. touch. the interaction between the nerve endings of two human beings, and yet it is so much more. touch. when i was young i was repelled by touch, and  the child who once refused touch must have remained the same as a woman, right? wrong. touch. touch me.  let me feel the softness of your skin the heat from your face  the smoothness of the shirt on your back the caress of your fingertips.  touch.  so much emotion contained in this vessel i call my body. turmoil, tossing and turning on my bed like the waves of the ocean i love so much. it takes me over, consumes me, fighting me,  raging inside me, taking me captive-- touch. convince me i am not simply a soul trapped in a body trapped in this endless struggle of time we call the universe. let me know there are things that are real and physical. let me know you are real and physical. and so when you feel my short nails absentmindedly scratch...

it's a sacred time when you're asleep and i'm awake. --10.12.18