excerpts from stories i will never write

seems like  all i do  as of late  is hurt. it's very apt how the word "hurt" can refer to  an action i perform, and  the state of my own heart. i am the wolf king and he's the falcon. he won't know what that means. as i drift away from one friend and grow closer to another, it feels like so much is changing.  i feel like there's some sort of metaphor for how i feel.   is it like a caterpillar?  am i the caterpillar?  going through the changes, the cracks in the skin, the growing, the stretching, the pain, but becoming a beautiful thing in the end?  if so, where is my beauty?  am i halfway in between?  some sort of mutant?  confused, hurting, unsure? my heart is torn between love for one and obligation to another.  "death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain."  i'd read that sentence many times before the meaning occurred to me.  death is easy, but living with pain is many time...

i hope i'll always love you in some way, even if it's not the in way we started the new year. the past six months have been so amazing. i could never thank you enough for making  them that way. you showed--show?  what exactly is the right tense?--me that i could--can--be loved. really truly loved.      and by someone as perfect as you,    no less. i can't tell you how much that means to me. none of this is your fault. don't worry about me. i'm not hurt.        how could i be hurt when i know you? i'm hopeful that maybe--just maybe--in a few years you'll still be around. maybe. and if you meet someone else, she'll have to be nothing short of an angel to deserve you. i grew.  i'm growing. you grew.  you're growing. sometimes growing hurts.    but whatever we do, let's do it together. --7.8.17

so now  i'll turn my pain      into poetry and  my tears     into beauty --7.6.17

"'beautiful' isn't quite a word one associates with men, but 'beautiful' seems to be the only word i can use to describe his heart and soul." --7.3.17

she's my warrior. my princess. she's strong, she's lovely, she's full of surprises. her hair is silver blond, her eyes are the color of the sky on a clear spring day, her cheeks are sprinkled with freckles, and when she laughs it fills me with joy. we've shared so many things together--those deep belly laughs that make you think you might get abs, the stupid jokes, the jabs at the silly boys, the innuendos, the secrets. she would kill for me.  i would kill for her. she's so strong inside.  i know she hurts, but she doesn't show it.  her father--her best friend, her partner in crime--died just a few years ago.  and i know she feels the scar of his passing so acutely, though she would never let anyone see her cry.   she longs to be loved. i hope she finds a man who will treasure her like the gem she is. she's a blessing to me.   i love her. --6.8.17

she upholds me. she encourages me. when i fall, she picks me up. she's perfect. her hair is as black as midnight, her eyes are the color of a tree in autumn--not quite green, not quite brown--and her smile reaches up to the corners of her eyes and fills me with joy.  she's taller than i am and when i hug her it's like i'm hugging the human embodiment of, well, a hug. she's beautiful just the way she is, with all the pain she holds inside and all the hurt she feels.  she's so very talented and she makes me cry with the way she writes about the ones she loves.  she bottles up the feelings inside, but when she lets them flow they create some of the most beautiful masterpieces i've ever read. when i'm crying, when i'm emotionally compromised, when it's been a terrible day or week, she'll listen to me.  i look to her when i hurt, and she tells me to look heavenward.  she's wonderful, amazing, beautiful. i remember one of the wors...

she's beautiful. a face that can make a whole room stop and hold its breath when she walks in. a body that can lift well over a hundred pounds and run miles without a second thought. and a personality sweeter than south carolina sweet tea. and i call her my best friend. we met in sixth grade. has it only been four years? it feels like i've known her my whole life. she's everything i don't deserve. she's there for me when i hate myself, when i want to die, when i'm crying, when i need a laugh, when i need a friend, when the world crashes down on me. her eyes are the perfect blend of green and blue, her hair is dirty blond, and her smile gives my life meaning. her spirit is strong--broken, but strong.  she hurts in ways i can barely imagine, yet she falls nine times and rises ten.  she lives with the future promise of one of the deepest scars known to man, but she enjoys life nonetheless. we're living, we're learning, we're laughing. ...

the laws of the universe clearly state that cute guys get cute girls, but the      universe glitched somehow and i  got you. --2.21.17

cold night,  clear sky,  shining stars.  "nostalgia chills me to the bone" as i gaze up into the darkness. the night is bright from the half moon, and i can see like it's dusk. every silver speckle is a work of art. the stars comfort me,      give me a sense of warmth, despite their distance. orion is my favorite constellation.  i can always find him,        a strong pattern among the scattered dots. he watches me; watches me watch him.                    and i smile. orion has seen me change, but the stars,        they never change. --2.5.17