489

feels like
i'm missing
something?

looking around at all the people around me i felt myself tear up. i started to cry. because i felt like i was missing something. i still feel like i'm missing something. that i keep doing everything i've been told. that i'm doing the best i can. that i've taken on more than i can handle but i don't want to give any of it up. should i be doing more? do i need to sacrifice some of my own time, some of my own mental health? how much is too much; how little is too little? i feel like i'm drowning. and everyone around me is floating but i can't see how they are. how they manage. i don't feel like i can manage. i don't feel like i'm able to manage. 

i know i'm depressed again. i keep feeling myself on the edge of tears. i've been a terrible person this past weekend and he doesn't deserve that. i know the feelings aren't permanent. but they feel like they've never left when they come back. and now i don't make any sense but in my head.

i feel like i have no one to talk to. i've made my closest friends in the wrong places. and now i am lost. alone. here. 

sleeping in an empty bed, in an empty room. cold in a way that my heater can't solve.

2.14.21

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