excerpts from stories i will never write

i guess i just didn't realize how much it really hurt till i started speaking it out loud then i found out that it feels distant and i know it's probably my fault it's not like i help things but it just hurt all of a sudden made me realize that i don't feel important to people who would want me there for them? will i ever be there for someone? do i matter to people? or am i really and truly cursed to love more than i am loved? maybe i'm selfish.  maybe i'm assuming.  but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. --3.28.21

she reduces herself to ash shifting from this reality to one in the future she becomes formless she is a shadow she  follows life's pattern like the good little girl she's always been there is no rest for the wicked she cannot sleep you are calling but she is gone.

survival mode.  i fight  one thing    one goal     one feeling     one emotion      one battle                  at a time. am i not allowed to  struggle here ? am i not allowed to have a bad day ? must i always be on  [mentally] / [top of things] / [like an extrovert] ?

it feels like every week i can't focus too tired too stressed  a thousand things running through my head the week ahead the week behind like every week i look back i look around i look up and wonder what they have that i don't  what i'm missing what i'm doing wrong to feel so alone and lost and afloat i tell myself -- every week -- "this is just a bad week. it is okay to just have a bad week." but every week is a bad week every week there's something wrong and i pray every single day for trust and for contentment and for letting go of control so where is the fulfillment? where is the answer? why am i still here  every week heart beating faster and faster my breath going in and out and in and out in quick quick quick quick time beat if every week is a bad week where are the good weeks? where are the good weeks? --2.14.21

feels like i'm missing something? looking around at all the people around me i felt myself tear up. i started to cry. because i felt like i was missing something. i still feel like i'm missing something. that i keep doing everything i've been told. that i'm doing the best i can. that i've taken on more than i can handle but i don't want to give any of it up. should i be doing more? do i need to sacrifice some of my own time, some of my own mental health? how much is too much; how little is too little? i feel like i'm drowning. and everyone around me is floating but i can't see how they are. how they manage. i don't feel like i can manage. i don't feel like i'm able to manage.  i know i'm depressed again. i keep feeling myself on the edge of tears. i've been a terrible person this past weekend and he doesn't deserve that. i know the feelings aren't permanent. but they feel like they've never left when they come back. and no