excerpts from stories i will never write

third floor. i see the skyline, see buildings and more windows. i think of hurling myself out  breaking glass slicing my skin as i fall weightless for seconds before the sickening crunch of the ground i think of being pushed fingers scrabbling for a hold on  the windowsill breaking my nails feeling my legs grasp for traction on the side of the building i walk across the walkway between two buildings 130 pounds plus a 17 pound backpack imagine the wind blowing me off tumbling down over the railing falling fast heavy landing hard mind reels legs break bones shatter seized by the urge to plummet downward how far out can i jump if i get a running start? this is what it's like to be afraid of heights my thoughts spiral out of control i can't reign them in  because my head is spinning from the feeling --2.21.19

i wonder a lot where you are what you’re doing what made you drift away i’m going to uni soon and i’ll be throwing a graduation party i don’t know who i’ll invite because my close friends have all drifted none so drastically and hurtfuly as you though your ring isn’t on my finger any more and now it’s easier to hold my boyfriend’s hand which is interesting to me i know people come and go but it’s so hard when i think about the false permenance of our friendship how i talked you out of suicide how you were my iron spiritually and how i did something wrong and i’ll never know what what made our friendship toxic, mg? what could i have done to make you say that? i fight for friendships. they don’t come easily to me those meaningful stay up late with you know all of you types of friendships but apparently you don’t and you wouldn’t tell me what i did so i could make it right. i fight for hard earned friendships but if someone doesn’t want me i’ll b...

i think it was the realization of how much video calling doesn't compare to being with you that made me cry. and thinking about how i can't be with you all the time and keep you safe and how you can't always hold me or be physically there for me and how 15 minutes feels like an ocean and how 2.5 hours is going to feel like the great expanse of space and how i love you so much it hurts and how much i want you to be okay and how you feel the pressure of being okay so i'll be okay and i don't want you to feel that because you already have so much pressure on you and all i feel like is a nuisance hardly worth being with honestly like all i do is cause problems and i'm deathly afraid of being a problem to you i'm going to wear your shirt to bed because it's the closest thing to you i have right now and i miss you --2.8.19

he cries  he is numb and part of me feels like he is a little boy younger than his years confused and hurting and i want to  wrap him in my arms until he feels the warmth of my love melting him into me and understanding, really, that i would sacrifice anything if it meant he'd be okay --2.6.19

and you think by now i'd be okay that i'd have fully accepted it  but i cried last night when we talked about next school year tears in steady streams  because i don't have enough time for a good long shuddering sobbing cry and i had to fight back the same kind of tears when i was asked about it today and when i opened up a letter from the university and when i think about it at all but i'm not over it and i doubt i will be any time soon --2.5.19