excerpts from stories i will never write

we're so alike, and  so different-- you and i. still silly inside. we can relate to each other so well. you're beautiful, but it's like you don't even notice. i love you. you're hilarious, gorgeous, amazing, loving. i'm so glad i met you so long ago, and i'm so glad i know you. --10.26.17

i wish  i could show you all. tell you. how beautiful you are. you don’t have to paint your face  till it’s unrecognizable. you don’t have to put on so much makeup that you look photoshopped even though you’re standing right in front of me. you don’t have to be flawless. you don’t have to do any of that. because you are beautiful. you, with your acne scars. you, with your imperfections. you, with the freckles you hate. you, with the light eyebrows. you, with all the little dips in your cheeks. all of you you. you are beautiful. --10.21.17

i remember the cold nights the smiles the memories wrapped up, so cold.   i can see my breath. is that rain?   breezes feel good in the spring. i shake my head in wonder.        a little different, hmm?    falling slowly in winter, and harder in spring. strange. i remember each little detail, each feeling. i wouldn't trade it for the world. --10.23.17

my heart aches for so many. i wish i could give of myself to heal them. i would give everything i have, i would give my own strength, my health, everything, to see them healed. oh, how my heart hurts for the hurting. --10.22.17

“I don’t understand!” I scream.  Silence.  No—just short answers.  “You don’t have to.” Retort: “But I want to!” “But I’m bigger.” “But what if I don’t want you to be bigger? I want to be in control!” “I’m in control.” “Why won’t you just be quiet sometimes?” “You know what would happen if I were quiet.” Silence.  “I want you to be here. Physically. I want to know you, feel you. I don’t want a disembodied voice in my head, I want you. I want a friend who can be truly close to me. Physically. I’ve lacked that my whole life. Please. I need you. Come quickly.” I feel like your heart ached. Maybe you were crying like me, because it wasn’t time yet but you wanted to come down just for a 16 year old outcast who needed a friend.  Maybe.  --10.16.17

a july 1st dream fulfilled. --10.13.17

warm. comfort. breathe deep; rise and fall. close. home. --10.13.17

i still don't get it. will i ever get it? you said you were nervous around me, and i read over the things i've saved and i just marvel because i can't comprehend it. one word running through my head: how. how? and then you texted me. you're still psychic. i wish i could fill in these empty spaces between my scatterbrained thoughts. someday i will. --10.8.17

i never want to let go. --10.6.17

still feeling worthless. still feeling guilty. still feeling all those things i wish i'd leave behind. why is this so hard for me? a part of me still thinks i've made all this up. that i've made him up. what better way to dream? invent someone who truly loves me. what a crazy concept. i'm terrified that he's pretending just because he feels bad for me. i'm terrified that all my friends only pretend they like me. it's become so difficult for me to grasp the idea that anyone even likes me any more. after all, why would anyone want to be friends with me when there are so many better people to be friends with? i pick out my flaws so often that they're all i see when i look inward or outward. am i even worth anything? i know i am, but believing it is another matter. --10.6.17

She almost turned around. She almost ran back up those stairs. She almost said the words that had been banned; the words that had been on her heart, aching to be released. Oh, darling, she was so close. Almost. --10.5.17

stupid emotions. taking me over when i don't expect them. there's such a physical feeling of longing in my stomach. longing. --10.3.17

i wish you knew how much i miss you. --10.3.17

brown eyes. funny how i still want to be wanted by him. i want to be wanted, and yet i'm bitter. so bitter. --10.1.17