excerpts from stories i will never write

but what i don't say is that on top of not being able to see him in the evening, this new work schedule means that i have even more trouble and anxiety and stress about balancing my family and him and that now this means more disappointment  from me from my family from him because i have to measure out the nights  balance them between the two  and know all the while that neither will be satisfied and so i will have let everyone down and i can do nothing to fix it --7.25.20

"wishing he would stop asking questions so i wouldn't have to give answers, but at the same time loving that he cares enough to ask questions in the first place." one of the first things i noticed and loved about him. yet so difficult when i don't know how to put to words what i feel, or when i don't want to. so unused to using the phrase "i'd rather not talk about it." but he's right--as usual. it would make things easier for both of us. --7.16.20

how to solve the inner conflict? eyes burning. waiting, awake, worrying. not sure why he disappeared. lots of time to think. what's up with me? i really should not blame it on my circumstances but it feels like i need to yell at someone, need to hurt myself or let go of all this pent-up energy somehow. it's times like these when i wish she hadn't left me. times when i knew i had someone there for me just a text away.  except when she wasn't there. it's late. my eyes burn from staring at a screen for too long. i'm tired.  attention whore. that's what i feel like. like if i don't have his full attention and patience when i want it--i'm lost, i'm lonely. i want everything from him except when i don't, and then i just want to be left alone. such a spoiled attitude--not sure where it came from, but i wish it would leave. entitled. but i feel like i can't stop feeling that way. dangerous unless i get it under control. i don't even want to w

help. i want to go back. i don't want to back. i'm tired. i'm wired. it's time for me to get another bodily modification to feel some control over my body and my life. i feel ready to jump off a high surface and just watch myself and feel myself soar. soar. soar.  --7.5.20