excerpts from stories i will never write

i wish you wouldn't hit me with that  "it's been that kind of day" shit when i know for a fact that all you do is  lie in bed watch movies play games get your breakfast brought to you i'm over here just trying to graduate and you're like wow  life is hard girl don't i know that life is hard? especially when you dropped out of my life and still, i guess, expect me to want you in it and like, i get it i read today what ponyboy pointed out-- things are hard all over. but still. don't complain about your perfect life hiding lies and consequences and expect me to have sympathy when i barely sleep eat and only hug the love of my life twice a month --1.28.20

excuse my tone and lack of punctuation but there's nothing poetic about this. tomorrow, 1 year. 1 year marks the time when you kicked me out of your life completely. and you thought it would be a good idea, thought that a "good friend" would know what they'd done to hurt you and so you didn't tell me. bitch you didn't tell me. i'm angry at the idea of you. i loved you. i loved you with my whole heart. i spent so much of my paycheck sending you a thought out christmas gift and what did i get back? silence. silence and nothing else. and i'm not one for self diagnosis but i feel like i have ptsd from you. you're the reason i can't trust anyone. the reason that i close myself off even further than i did before. i have dreams about you and do you know what i do? i see you and i run because i can't confront you. i'm scared. i'm terrified. those feelings well up in me again and they hurt my chest and i run, because i'm a coward. i do...

i didn't cry yesterday when he left i'm not sure why maybe it hasn't hit me yet but i know that i am completely and  incandescently in love with him every inch of him the difficult things i love to put my arm over his chest find my head's place against his shoulder and know that someone a physical being loves me truly in a sea of emotion he's my island safehouse, search party something i can touch with awe in my eyes run my fingers over his skin as he tells me 'i love you' --1.20.20

what would you do? staring into his eyes, yesterday, so clear and beautiful he smiled  grinning at me  chest moving up and down in time to a silent poem his eyes were clear, oh, they were so lovely it made me absolutely sure that i want to make him feel  just like that every day of my life want to give him my future, because he deserves it the man with the  clearest bluest eyes --1.20.20