excerpts from stories i will never write

i can't erase the feeling of that time can't ignore it like it didn't happen can't forget  wearing my hoodie in the 90 degree days      as if it could provide safety and comfort staying up late, delaying, because i knew when i turned off the light      i would cry myself to sleep wondering if there was something wrong with me      for feeling like i did; why was i not content? smiling and crying and no one noticing working hard and realizing that it did not mean      anything wanting to jerk my car off the road into a tree      but not having the courage to follow through i can't just pretend it didn't happen when i smell that smell or  feel that feeling or listen to that song or get that vibe it's like it's there all over again and i have to remind myself that this summer will be different than last summer but the feeling is still there curse my memory. --4.22.19

hurry look around where is something i can use hurry sharp metal hurry hurry where is something i can drink until my lungs float away on the swell hurry where is something i can eat quickly quickly quickly shove it into my lips down my throat keep the tears from rising hurry hurry get it away let me starve hurry let the emptiness in my stomach proclaim there is a pain worse than emotions hurry hurry anxiety there are clothes lying on my floor that i do not care to put away and there are things i need to do hurry deadlines hurry starve hurry drown hurry slice hurry pain hurry pain hurry pain

can’t go on any more breathe in gasoline oil old spice fresh cut grass sweat watermelons everything is still on fire but the air i breathe is smokeless

i have no one to talk to no one to turn to so i empty my soul upon a page pour out my heart to a screen that can't read try to explain what i'm feeling in a letter that never seems to reach heaven i need advice, need someone to show me what to do, how to do it there's no directions for my situation and for some reason i can't accept everything as it comes how far do i trust my Savior? i don't know. i know i should trust Him farther but it feels so wrong to let go of my tight white knuckle grip on what little of my life i have left there are so many uncertainties and i can't see what is the right path if i can, i don't want to. --4.10.19

i let him down. it doesn't seem like a big deal but to him it's huge. and now i start from the bottom upward again,  building trust and hoping that  i'll prove myself just until i fall again. --4.9.19