excerpts from stories i will never write

yes, i know everyone's busy this time of year. i'm a senior. life gets stressful. and it's foolish of me to assume that everyone else is like me, valuing friendships and relationships so highly. but when she's so busy that she cannot respond to a simple "good morning," then it is clear to me  that i am not a priority in her life. it's fine. i try every day but eventually i will stop. even i know when my affections are no longer desired. --10.27.18

you seem so miserable. i've always felt like a burden to you. the problem child.  the first one to go through everything,  the guinea pig, the draft. i didn't ask to be born. you're the one who signed up to be a mother. you made that decision. you tell me i'm not what i think i am but i know everything i do and everything we do gives you stress and puts pressure on you and makes you unhealthy like always. does the joy truly outweigh the sorrow? and you tell me about marriage, that the things which enamor me so much are the things that will grate on my nerves the most when i choose someone to spend the rest of my life with. you point out the things he does  that annoy you and i see myself in you and i am afraid. the reasons why i swore away marriage flood back to me--cheaters, abusers, gone. bad husbands, no husbands. divorce. death. pain. the reasons why i swore away children flood back to me--loneliness, abuse, struggle. why would i want to ...

error. touch. the interaction between the nerve endings of two human beings, and yet it is so much more. touch. when i was young i was repelled by touch, and  the child who once refused touch must have remained the same as a woman, right? wrong. touch. touch me.  let me feel the softness of your skin the heat from your face  the smoothness of the shirt on your back the caress of your fingertips.  touch.  so much emotion contained in this vessel i call my body. turmoil, tossing and turning on my bed like the waves of the ocean i love so much. it takes me over, consumes me, fighting me,  raging inside me, taking me captive-- touch. convince me i am not simply a soul trapped in a body trapped in this endless struggle of time we call the universe. let me know there are things that are real and physical. let me know you are real and physical. and so when you feel my short nails absentmindedly scratch...

it's a sacred time when you're asleep and i'm awake. --10.12.18

You told me it would be freedom. that before i was enslaved, and now i am free. then why does this feel like bondage? why do i still feel trapped? why am i so legalistic? how many of these are Your rules and how many are mine? have i put myself into a box after You freed me from a cage? how did i get here? i am afraid

when will i learn? why am i like this? disappointed my mom. again. why do i feel like such a disappointment? disjointed. out of body. lump in my throat, small voice.  i don't want to be dependent and i still cannot be the person i want to be and i stumble and i feel myself falling why am i not content? "yeah but how does this apply to me?" why didn't i keep my mouth shut. why didn't i shove away my words because words have power and i made her cry. i can't stop them from pouring out of my mouth and i hate myself because i have said unforgivable things. she tries but only makes things worse. i make things worse. why do i make things worse? afraid to go downstairs. listening to the sadness of neon gravestones. how can i show my face? i have hurt again.

almost 400 half journal entries-- i've come so far.  we're back together. he's like home, warm and comforting. how do i describe it? set the sky on fire, watch it with him by my side. i didn't know that i could fit with someone so well. i want to take the things that make his stomach turn and destroy them so he can be free from the stress. maybe this will be read before his head hits the pillow and if so, let everything slide off your shoulders-- you don't need to carry it. tomorrow is a new day, and resolutions have no deadlines. start tomorrow. start tonight. it's never too late. the future is full of the things you fill it with. so choose the right things, starting now. dream sweet. you're worth the world to me. --10.6.18