excerpts from stories i will never write

"Listen to me. I've been where she will be, and I know how that feels. So for every minute you spend with me, spent two with her. If she texts you in the middle of our conversation, stop talking to me and text her back. I know how it feels to be in her place, and no one--no one!--deserves to go through that. You let her know you love her. Don't you let her doubt it. Don't ever let her doubt your love." --4.27.18

i wonder if this is what it felt like.  half of me wishes he could feel what i felt not too long ago. hurt, jealousy. for me, anger. i remember all the things he did wrong and it still makes me cry. but now, i guess--i understand. maybe.  sometimes you just want to be with someone  who's not                                   confusing. i understand. it still stings, though. --4.27.18

strange, how so much can change in a year. i remember this time last year i was crying myself to sleep  for the second day in a row. was the change for the better? probably.     i hope  he's okay. --4.22.18

he was a hurricane and i was a tightrope walker,  dancing on the edge of a knife in the midst of  his storm. and      as the wind and the waves crashed around me, i tried to ignore the danger     until it threatened to drown me; i felt the salt of my tears and the salt of his tears grace my tongue mixed with the water from the storm, and it made me feel desperate.      i saw the danger. i ceased my dancing, i ceased my singing, and i let the storm take me, falling to the depths  of the ocean-- of our storm. --4.18.18

silence. hit with silence. there is  nothing.  have i  finally been     emptied?           done?               numb?           completely? what is this? i look deeper into myself. digging around in a dusty attic. there is so much, yet     so little          of worth. apathetic.  that is how i feel. "does that ever happen to you?" i asked. "when life just loses its spice. there's nothing there anymore." "what's the point?" what do i love? i know there are some who read, and worry. know that i am low but i will be  okay. not right now, but i promise--     i promise. i promise i will be okay. --4.16.18

nagging confusion tugs at my insides-- that thunderstorm, the beautiful sun, this song, a message on the back of a card. what does this all mean? what am i supposed to feel? i'm so scared. terrified.  i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't know-- i don't know! why did it all happen that way? why? what's going on? why can't i make up my mind? and why do i fall when i'm not ready,    not allowed,          not right? --4.15.18

"I'm going to wait for you, you know." my heart sinks. i lose my words. i am numb again,  remembering the time before. --4.11.18

i miss him. it's been so long  since i've seen him. i realized earlier that i don't even r emember  the deep pattern of his voice. yeah, it's not the same. but after so long i don't just forget. i don't just give up on everything. man. i miss him. --4.8.18

do you know how that feels? to miss her so hard.  the tears start and don't stop. it's been almost half a year  since i saw her. so long. i miss her--i miss her! it hurts like hell. it gets depressing, you know. everything crashes down on me and i have no shoulder to cry on. my soul cries out for physical affection. i want her. i want that movie-love; growing up together. laughing so often. oh, how i miss her. --4.7.18

A letter to my best frenemy: Geez, man. Tonight was awesome. You're the bomb. I love how we can mess around and tease each other and flirt back and forth without worrying about it being anything other than fun. You're a trip, and when I make fun of you, you take it in stride and dish it right back. And I think that's awesome. Tonight I told you some interesting developments, and you kept messing with me for the rest of the night, bringing it up in conversation. It was hilarious. "Love you," you said sarcastically when I left. "Love you too," I replied, equally sarcastically. And then when I got home, you texted me. And you got serious with me. You gave me good, solid advice about those developments. Yeah, we might roast each other. Yeah, we tease. But you genuinely care about me in a purely friendship way. Which for me is a huge blessing. You said I was one of your best friends, and that meant the world to me. You're such a sweet idiot. You never

we were  empty. or,  i was empty. i don't know what i was to him. but i know what i felt, and i know i felt nothing. i tried to build a dam to hold back  my emotions and i succeeded. i am proud. but-- i  diverted a small stream of expression: different, but  there nonetheless. now the dam  must be completed. block up the holes. i must transform from the wolf king to the dragon. stone, steel, cuendillar. harder. stronger. --4.3.18

you will find me  under the weeping cherry tree i will be there barefoot alone free --4.3.18

I looked down into her little pink face. Such a fragile thing. My fragile thing. It's hard to tell what she looks like. She's so new, barely a few hours old. What will she look like when she's older? I can tell she has her father's nose--thank goodness. But where did she get those blue eyes? Mine are green, and her father's are brown. Genetics is such a mystery. My mind wanders as I listen to her gentle breathing. What kind of girl will she be? Will she be like me, living with a reckless abandon that brings scraped knees and scratched up ankles? Will she love to stay inside and wear my clothes all too soon? Will she be the heart breaker, or the heartbroken? Will she stay up too late or fall asleep early? Will she eat dessert or dinner first? Will she make the rules, or break them?  What will she be like? Of course, it's too early to tell. Her hair is deep red, the beautiful color I'd always wanted mine to be. What a small miracle. My small miracle.

i felt an arm around my shoulder, gently, and i looked up into her beautiful face.     she asked how i'd been.   i heard concern in her voice when i simply said "alright." she had to go, and so did i, but as we parted, it hit me. i don't hate her anymore. perhaps it is because i am numb. perhaps it is because he is not mine. perhaps it is because i love too much. it doesn't matter--      my hate is gone.  --4.3.18

apathy. he calls me beautiful and i call him a liar. nothing matters anymore. i'm done.  over it. over this. ignoring my feelings is what i must do.  surround myself with people who will never love me.  i thought i was safe--i was wrong. i will never be safe. stay away from me. stay away. --4.2.18