excerpts from stories i will never write

i say "i'm sorry,"  but "i'm sorry" doesn't seem to cover the deep, bone-aching sadness i feel at my own depravity. i fight sometimes, but sometimes i give in. let go. i'm so sorry. --1.27.18

and for one split second-- as my fingertips touched the cold metal of my car door, i added a single star to the darkness of the early  morning. --1.26.18

maybe saying "sweet dreams" seems childish. but to me, dreams are everything. sleep is meant to be restful. sweet dreams are a blessing. "sweet dreams" means you don't wake up shaking and sweating with the tears still wet on your cheeks. nightmares lurk in the back of your head, just staying there-- reminding you of what happened when you closed your eyes. nightmares stay with you. nightmares screw with your head, their presence messing with the way  you look at the world for the next day or two. nightmares affect you in a way you cannot escape. so when i say, "sweet dreams," i mean it. i mean that i hope your dreams are full of your favorite things, and that you wake up,  smiling,  ready for the day because of where you imagination took you. --1.24.18

yes, i think i miss the late night talks the most. there are times when i would lose sleep just to talk to you. learn about you. ask you questions and imagine you're with me. i know we're supposed to be friends, and i'm trying, so hard, but the longing is still there. maybe it's because it's not summer anymore.  both of us are tired: physically, emotionally. at the end of the day it seems like my eyelids  turn magnetic. so,  sleep.  dream. you need it more than i do. --1.19.18

you all need someone. you need someone strong. someone who will hold you when you wake up shaking and sweating in the night. someone you can lean upon when you feel like you're falling. someone who will ground you, anchor you in reality. someone who will talk to you. someone who will have deep conversations with you. someone who will not let your sadness deter them. someone who will know you and understand you, and treasure you for the jewel you are. you need someone gentle. someone who will dig deep into your layers. someone who will look through your exterior and see the one they need. someone who will pick you up and swing you around. someone who will throw you into a pool just to see you smile. someone who will pursue you. someone who will convince you that the past is gone and it does not define you. you need someone kind. someone who will be comfortable with you. someone who will look at you and see the world. someone who will gently unearth your emotions and hold you w...

my longings feel stupid. i try to be poetic but it's like the words are forced out of me. even when i try, i look back and want to erase it all.  it's terrible. in the moment the emotion is high. but later what i've written seems dry and meaningless. and then there are the times like now. when i'm longing for things and times and people and i feel numb. like i can't express anything at all. i can't think of a beautiful way to say that  i want to go to a concert.  i can't think of words that can do justice to the feeling that a smile brings.  i can't even begin to describe the memories  that my pictures drag to the surface of my head i  remember everything. breathe in,  breathe out. you're gonna be fine. this is normal. you do this all the time. breathe in, breathe out. suck it up and deal with it. breathe in,  breathe out. --1.14.18

i have an associative memory. more than most people, at least. the feeling of the air in my lungs today made me dance in the front yard as the music filtering through my earbuds brought back memories of good times.        good times?    good feelings. carefree. my chest tugged. i shut the feeling out.  i wanted to run, to smell a bonfire,  to play capture the flag with a bunch of rowdy boys. i wanted to pretend i was a spy and peer around trees, anxiously looking for  the other team. i wanted to be alone. i wanted to be with someone. i wanted to be younger. i wanted to lose myself outside and forget my thoughts. i wanted to run so fast that my problems didn't follow. i wanted to be free. --1.10.18