excerpts from stories i will never write

i remember  this day, last year. december 31. i look back at my screenshots even though i've come to expect  the memories to bring gentle tears. "ngl, i wish you were here." you were sad. and now, a year later, you're sad again. i have a nagging feeling i'm the cause. your deep places seem to have come so much more often since july. i never want to cause you any pain. the next year holds so much possibility-- for growth, for pain, for laughter. i don't know what it'll hold for us, for you. but i hope  it will bring you  joy and peace and comfort and happiness. so,  here's to the new year. --12.31.17

Christmas is past. do wishes still count? everyone knows the song: "all i want for Christmas is you." as i reflect on the past year and remember the memories i've made i realize the only thing i want is each of you. the beautiful one, the one i miss the most. my heart hurts when i think of you. the fierce one, the one i would run away with. i wish i could make you smile. the strong one, the one who laughs at danger. someday we're going to go on adventures. your love is so much more important to me  than anything money could buy. --12.29.17

it's been a year, today. i guess. i don't feel like you can call it an anniversary, because technically we've never dated. whatever. i think i miss the late night talks the most. the deep ones. i miss the conversations we never had. i miss the feeling of knowing i was--am--loved. i guess. this was supposed to be a really encouraging post and then i made it depressing. i do that a lot. you've stayed with me for a year through my highs and my lows.  thank you. thank you for loving me when i was beginning to believe i was unlovable. --12.28.17

and then in that moment, that split second, all the questions i've saved up will flee my mind. they won't matter any more. my heart will swell, fully, truly, because then i will be whole after never realizing i was missing something. i can't wait. --12.17.17

i want to be  more  open hands, palms up, letting go; and less fighting, clenching fists, gritting teeth . i want to surrender. i want to release. i want to be swept into a Greater Plan, something so much better than anything  i could ever imagine. i want to forego myself. i want to come undone so i can be made again. pry my white knuckles from  my way  and guide me to Yours. --12.10.17

do you remember summer? sweating and  laughing and  running. i want to wear shorts again. now this cursed  cold keeps me layered up, even inside. i want to throw water balloons and spray everyone with the hose. i want  tanktops and shorts and  flip flops. i want to go to the beach. i want the waves, the sun, the sand. i want days where i can  breathe. i want to walk around downtown exploring and  looking at things i'll never buy. i want sunglasses and sunscreen to be an essential part of my outfit again. i want summer. --12.6.17

"narcissistic."  "selfish." "you're only thinking about you." oh, i'm sorry. can you not hear the lack of emotion in my voice? i've come to terms with how i look and  the fact that it's not going to change. i'm going about this rationally, logically. and you have the nerve to say i'm being narcissistic? look at my face. do i look like i'm having a bad day? do i look like i'm having a pity party? no.  because these are facts. and i have accepted them. i thought that by doing that, it would help me. and it has, mostly. but apparently it's not enough for you. "keep your options open." "you're limiting yourself." "why do you have your sights set already? you have so much time before you choose." "look around at all of them. shouldn't you zoom out a little?" you seem to think that  all the boys should be tripping on their shoela...

i watched you today. i saw a little girl tug on your coat. i watched as you turned around and smiled. i heard your voice change to something so full of fun and happiness that i smiled just listening to it. i heard you engage her, intrigue her, make her laugh. i heard you laugh. i saw your smile—oh, what a beautiful smile!—and the way it lights up a room in ways you don’t even know.  every day i look and you and just wonder: how did i become best friends with such a beautiful person? you hide yourself behind bitterness, but i know you. you’re beautiful in every way. i love the adventure you mask behind hard eyes. i love the ways you hide, and i love the ways you let your sunshine peek through. you're incredible. --12.3.17

imperfections. lightning marks, like tattoos  work their way across  my skin. i never asked for the red and purple and blue and silver, but i love them all anyway. little scars  freckle my legs from past trials and insecurities. i don't like those. but they're part of me, now. they make me me. --12.3.17