excerpts from stories i will never write

my rules of survival: 1. don't open up. ever. don't let anyone into your head. they will leave you, they will hurt you, you will wish you'd never let them in. 2. don't get attached. they will leave you, they will hurt you, you will wish you'd stayed distant. they do not care about you forever. they never do.  3. tell lies. cover up the truth with smiles. let them think that you are okay, when inside you are being torn apart. they do not care, really. they will hurt you. 3.1 "i'm sorry" 3.2 "i forgive you" 3.3 "i miss you too" 3.4 "thank you for offering to be there for me when i need a friend"

i hope you're happy now. i wonder if there's anyone checking up on you. i hope you're happy now. i wonder if you're getting enough sleep. i hope you're happy now. i wonder if you're more relaxed, less stressed, not as depressed. i hope you're happy now. --2.19.20

"why are you not satisfied?"  some voice inside asks me "God should be enough." "yes," i answer. "but God is not warm." is that blasphemy? --2.17.20

i can already tell  just almost a month in that this semester is going to be very difficult i can't expect endless energy, he gets up so early and stays busy all day barely time to breathe but my schedule and his schedule just don't line up and i rush out of work to be able to see him for five minutes bedtime. a concept not grasped in american culture why sleep when the lights can stay on all night? i miss him, miss his face and his voice and him that screen is the closest thing i get to the real thing what can i say? i miss him. --2.4.20

they don’t tell you  that his skin is the softest thing to your fingertips  and he smells like candy and spice  and his chest is warm and he doesn’t mind when you drape yourself over him  just to feel more of him  they don’t tell you that it’ll be hard to erase  the way he smells  from you clothes  like he’s gone but his essence isn’t  you keep thinking he’ll come back, knock on the door any second  because it locks automatically  and you’ve had to keep letting him in all weekend they don’t tell you how when he’s with you  you both avoid the word “leave”  in any form  they don’t tell you that when he holds you close and says  “shh, i’ve got you,”  it’ll make you cry even more because he’s got you now but he won’t when he’s hours away  they don’t tell you that when he’s home and jokes about coming back, just give him a couple hours and he’ll be there,  it makes you cry more because you know it won’t happen  they don’t tell you that it’ll be 1 a