excerpts from stories i will never write

and maybe it's just hard  for me to realize that people will always mean more to me than i do to them. --11.29.18

i've been told that love, if it is real, will stay. you stayed. you waited.  but i'm afraid.  will you stay? if i tell them and they cut us off, will you stay? if they break us up again, will you stay? if i am put back in the time where nights and days and drives were so hard without you, will you stay? i'm so absolutely terrified that i will lose you again. i don't want to lose you again. i just don't want to lose you again. --11.27.18

sometimes i get sidetracked on pinterest.  i look at all these instagram girls-- filtered lives, long, straight hair, beautiful nights, fireflies, smiles, shorts, huge t shirts that somehow look hot, crop tops,  perfect bodies, perfect lives. i'll get sad. his face belongs in a picture like that and i feel like i'll never measure up to the girl he deserves. weird me.  with my imperfect hair, funny tastes, odd smile, not perfect. but sometimes he grabs my hand locks our fingers and looks in my eyes like they hold secrets he wants to know and he'll tell me he's the one who doesn't deserve me and it's crazy  because i feel so inadequate but he loves me and to him i am precious and it blows my mind --11.18.18

cleanse me.  please. my thoughts disgust me. i am sick.  i am a sick, twisted human being. i cannot control myself. i hate this.  i hate living like this. this terrible thing in the back of my head gnawing like a monster until i succumb to the poisonous fangs i know will kill me. wash me.  cleanse me. purify me. until this is gone and all that is left is You. i hate this so much. i want to be free. i want to live You, breathe You, speak You, love You. please. i cannot do this on my own. --11.12.18

loving him is-- wonderful he brings light to my days encouraging me strengthening me laughing with me t alking with me loving me (what a wonder!) i can't really describe it it's too hard to capture a hundred poets have already tried and i suppose they've done alright but it's so crazy like it's meant to be like we fit so well together it can't be coincidence and i knew that from the start but it's like it's been affirmed like yeah,  this is where i'm supposed to be here by his side loving him loved by him this kind of love is special and i'm glad it's ours --11.8.18