excerpts from stories i will never write

i was always more at home in the water  than i ever was on land. something about it has always  intrigued me. maybe it's the way it feels. i always prefer  to be alone in the water, because  it just feels right.  the water surrounds me, comforts me like-- like something bigger than me. something there. something muffling the squeals of  life. something magical, unreal. in the water is where i belong. isolation doesn't matter, because i am not alone. i am immersed in a powerful, calming force, and i don't mind being by myself because i can be myself. --11.27.17

like a child asking a parent, "how much longer?" you ask me, "when will this be over?" and like a parent answering a child, "just five more minutes," i answer you: "hold on just a little while longer." because, as we all know, the journey is not five minutes more. but even the child knows that the journey has an end, no matter how long it takes to get there. --11.23.17

that physical feeling of missing you is here again. kind of like  the way your stomach feels before a drop on a rollercoaster. a lump in my throat and nausea on my tongue. so far, you were the only good thing about today. --11.17.17

and so we go to a world that is far away, anywhere but here.  we run away  from our problems and  our  responsibilities,  because we need an escape. the wanderlust grabs a hold of us, and we follow its urges; the  longing to go and be and adventure seizing us as we  seize the days and nights. we gaze at the stars  on clear nights, and we cozy up with blankets on cloudy nights. we travel, see things we've never seen, do things we've never done, dream things we'd never dream of dreaming if we were not  caught up in the moment. caught in the moment,  lost in the moment. we let it carry us along, like a leaf  on a  current-- gently waving, not fighting wherever it takes us. when it rains, we walk, watching the droplets from the drizzle  catch on our eyelashes. warm rains are calming, and in them we  relax and let go. when the sun sets slowly behind the mountains, we  climb smaller hills to watch the last rays sink below the horizon. pi

i beat myself over the head for even daring to feel emotion. i wish i didn't do that. i wish-- i wish. i'm always so cold, so very cold… --11.10.17

my old fears return. old fears, old battles. i'm still fighting. --11.5.17

it's been a year. so much has happened. here i have poured out my heart, and here i have hidden my thoughts, tucked away in a small corner. mystery was never my thing anyway. remember--? there's so much i remember, but i always remember more than most, and i'm afraid to recount the tiny details that make things so special to me. all these small things. these ups and downs. how all of us got from there to here. they're part of life, downswings in the economy of our heads. we thrive and then we dive. highs and lows. as i read, i remember. remember. --11.2.17