excerpts from stories i will never write

i'm sorry everything is confusing. i'm sorry about all of this. i'm sorry i'm needy. i'm sorry i can't make up my mind. i'm sorry i have so many emotions. i'm sorry i'm such a girl. i'm sorry i cry so much. i'm sorry life hurts. i'm sorry i can't fix this. i'm so sorry. --8.31.17

"The good part about these types of things," she said solemnly, "is that you don't have to ever be okay.  All you have to do is be.  Because by just being, you can be treasured.  Even if you're not okay."  She shrugged.  "And after all, who even is okay?  I've never met a person who was okay.  I'm most certainly not okay.  You're not okay.  Neither of us will ever be okay.  That's the beauty of it--no one is required to be okay." --8.30.17

torn between obligation and love. i should not feel guilty for my feelings. that is simply not right. it just isn't right. --8.29.17

drown out my thoughts. consume my mind. give me something to do. show me where to go. take up the space in my head, fill it with    information. i want to stop thinking. i need to be busy. i must have something else to      think about. --8.24.17

the time drags on at a painful pace as i wait, then  it runs in double time when i see you, and then--       slowly again. always so slowly. --8.23.17

I miss Cars going by my house in the early hours of the morning,  Their lights making the shadows through our blinds move across the wall.  They used to make noises that reminded me of the ocean-- Gradually getting louder, then  Fading away.  I miss that.  --8.20.17

i know it's different for you. everything's changed. but i wonder if you know that it's changed for me. it would be hard for you to miss it--those texts where i ask you, beg you, to tell me you're okay.  to tell me you're alive.  the urgency in my tone.  i need to know. every time i hear an ambulance my thoughts go straight to you and i panic again.  "is she okay?  what if, what if, what if?" so much panic.  so much worry. we're drifting apart and i don't like it. come back to me, please.  don't be so far away, in distance and in heart.  i need you here.  i need you here.  don't leave me. --8.17.17

and so i marvel again we started with the expectation of waiting.  the boundaries have shrunk since then, choking us, restricting our words and actions; and yet     he still loves me. after all this. this time my tears are from wonder. --8.14.17

every so often i'll think i'm catching a whiff of your deodorant, or cologne, or whatever it is that makes you smell like you. and my heart starts to beat faster and i begin to search the room for your broad shoulders and strawberry blond hair and piercing blue eyes always locked on mine with that little half smile on your lips. then i realize-- you're not here. it's just my daydreams and imagination. so my heart drops back into its original position,  and i remind myself soon. soon, i will see you. --8.14.17

it constantly amazes me how far Your love goes. i run away from You and yet    You pursue me. i pursue things i shouldn't and yet    You call me back.  You run after me because You want me. there's nothing in me worth wanting. but somehow, You want to call me Yours. i'm filthy, i'm dirty, i'm guilty but when You look at me You see righteousness.    You see perfection.    and You love me. when You died you thought of me. when You hung there i was on Your mind. i was the reason You endured pain i cannot imagine. grace is something i'll never understand. --8.13.17

200. 200 rambles, prayers, letters, rants, memories. 200 is a great deal. not everyone has read everything, but that's how i chose it to be. i hope this will help you to forget the bond we share.  maybe you'll hate me.  i half hope that happens, because it's easier to stop liking someone who you know doesn't return the feelings.  my whole life is proof of that. this hurts to do.  it hurts to write. please be happy.  please be okay.  you're being torn apart, and it's all my fault.  i don't want this to happen to you.  i'm scared.  but i want you to be okay, more than anything. please never run away. i don't want to be the one who breaks you.  i'm so scared i will. --8.6.17

you said i was your only exception, but i'm so afraid i've joined the ranks of those who have hurt you. --8.6.17

i stayed up too late last night.  i wanted to get minimal sleep.  maybe because i knew it would make me feel better; maybe because i wanted to punish myself; i don't know.   the moon was so full.   i've noticed that when i'm angry i want to take walks, even if it's 12:20 am.  i long for a walk in the moonlight with no one but me.  me and Someone.   the only Someone who matters, the only Someone who should matter.   i get that wanderlust late at night.  i want to feel the gravel crunch under my bare feet and listen to the sounds of the crickets and cicadas and all the nocturnal animals.  i want to feel the cool late night breeze. wanderlust. --8.6.17