excerpts from stories i will never write

seems like  all i do  as of late  is hurt. it's very apt how the word "hurt" can refer to  an action i perform, and  the state of my own heart. i am the wolf king and he's the falcon. he won't know what that means. as i drift away from one friend and grow closer to another, it feels like so much is changing.  i feel like there's some sort of metaphor for how i feel.   is it like a caterpillar?  am i the caterpillar?  going through the changes, the cracks in the skin, the growing, the stretching, the pain, but becoming a beautiful thing in the end?  if so, where is my beauty?  am i halfway in between?  some sort of mutant?  confused, hurting, unsure? my heart is torn between love for one and obligation to another.  "death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain."  i'd read that sentence many times before the meaning occurred to me.  death is easy, but living with pain is many times harder.   i've always wanted to

i hope i'll always love you in some way, even if it's not the in way we started the new year. the past six months have been so amazing. i could never thank you enough for making  them that way. you showed--show?  what exactly is the right tense?--me that i could--can--be loved. really truly loved.      and by someone as perfect as you,    no less. i can't tell you how much that means to me. none of this is your fault. don't worry about me. i'm not hurt.        how could i be hurt when i know you? i'm hopeful that maybe--just maybe--in a few years you'll still be around. maybe. and if you meet someone else, she'll have to be nothing short of an angel to deserve you. i grew.  i'm growing. you grew.  you're growing. sometimes growing hurts.    but whatever we do, let's do it together. --7.8.17

so now  i'll turn my pain      into poetry and  my tears     into beauty --7.6.17

"'beautiful' isn't quite a word one associates with men, but 'beautiful' seems to be the only word i can use to describe his heart and soul." --7.3.17