excerpts from stories i will never write

there she stood  looking as beautiful as ever in my dream like not a thing changed  like everything was fine but somehow some part of me knew nothing would be the same but oh, darling, she looked so beautiful. --7.22.19

sitting here in bed cuddling his t shirt breathe deep wishing it was him wishing that we were married wishing that i didn’t have all this weight of the emotions, like carrying the weight of marriage without the release of sex, remembering winter and how he’d let me have his hoodies and how i’d put off washing them because they smell like him and they’d keep me kind of warm but they’re not him it’s not the same it’s not the same i wish.

she was everything to me and now thinking about her keeps me up at night, crying, it's late, but i can't stop; wondering if she thinks of me or if the past six years have been forgotten in her mind, if i was nothing to her, if she hates me so much that forgiveness has no room in her heart; forgiveness for something i didn't know i did, for something i barely recognize i did because i'm still not sure; will i ever know why she left me? --7.10.19