excerpts from stories i will never write

and with the psalmist i cry out, "how long, Lord?      how long will you hide your face from me?" i watch my friends fall where i have fallen  and my heart breaks i myself fall and my heart aches how long, Lord? how long will you let evil and suffering run rampant in the world? how long until you return and set things right? how long until i am completely satisfied in you, and i need nothing else to fill me? how long? how long? how long? --9.26.18

motion, whistle,  soft. silent. type, motion, whistle. read--the words, his, the voice, another's. laughter--not his. motion again. turn, watch. listening. mute. --9.24.18

they look at me and see me, but i am not here. i am on the battlefield, watching my soldiers die. --9.21.18

she hates the things she can't control so she loves the things she can. --9.17.18

he is home and i am away from home awake. --9.22.18

and suddenly i'm terrified, that a non-committal relationship is what you wanted and you didn't know until the opportunity to follow through presented itself and what if this is too much all at once and what if you back away  what if i get only half of what i've wanted for so long? what if, what if, what if… --9.17.18

i do not take love lightly. way back in the beginning, i told myself over and over and over that this time would be different. that i would not say i loved you, because i had made that mistake before, and it wasn't love. i didn't want to hurt myself again. i wanted to be sure. and when i finally told you  "i love you," i meant it. with all my heart. and nothing has changed since then. --9.16.18

i will wait.  until you've got yourself figured out.  until you're ready. until i'm ready. it hurts. to say it doesn't would be a lie.  but the good times make the bad times worth enduring.  as long as you're in my life, playing whatever role. i will wait. for you. --9.11.18